Haiku & Kola 3: The Married Life
by Workaholic Praxian
Summary: Haiku and Itachi plan to get married, but what about Kola and Zetsu? What will come of them once marriage is obtained? Will Zetsu be doomed for the rest of his life? Warning: What happens in marriages should be expected. Yaoi references
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life **

**Chapter 1: The Contract

* * *

**

Two sets of glowing red eyes watched the teacup land on the table, completely empty.

"You know why I brought you here tonight." Not even a question, just a statement. She already knew where this was going and yet she waited for him to continue. "I haven't talked to your parents about it yet, but…"

She met his eyes expectantly, sharingan to sharingan. The atmosphere tense for what was to come next.

That was until…

"ABOUT TIME I FOUND YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS!" Kola's wavy hair settling back into place after barging into the teahouse and disrupting the few who were in there so close to closing time.

Their gazes slowly turned towards her, both glaring at the intruder.

Kola crossed her arms, "We've been looking all over for the both of you. Ghostie and Madara are worried about you, Haiku. Madara threatened to skin Stalker-san alive if he tried to have sex with you since it is getting late after all and who knows where two of you could have gone. What if you were kidnapped by Stalker?" Kola stood there, wide eyed, ignoring the two death glares aimed directly at her, "Were you kidnapped?"

"No, Kola. Now if you don't mind, we were in the middle of something important." Haiku calmly stated to her adoptive sister.

Kola gasped, "Are you two making the baby?"

"No."

"Are you going to make the baby?"

"No."

"Can I watch? I wanna know how to make the baby too, but Zetsu-kun won't tell me." Kola pouted.

"Kola, please tell Dad I'm fine and to stop threatening Itachi."

Kola blinked a few times. "OK!" And just like that, she was gone.

"What were you saying, Itachi-kun?"

"Haiku, will you-"

Kola popped back up, "Madara-sama said he can threaten Stalker as much as he wants and there's nothing stopping him from turning the threats into reality."

"…"

"What?"

"Kola, can you please leave us be for a few more minutes and then we'll go back to the base."

"Why?"

"Zetsu said before we left that he wanted to play Fuzzy Bunny with you tonight. You don't want to keep him waiting now do you?" Haiku waited patiently for her to leave again.

"Ohhh…" Kola disappeared only to reappear a second later, "Muki-sama said she wanted to talk to both of you when you get back." With that, Kola was gone.

Haiku sighed.

Itachi waited a minute to make sure Kola wasn't randomly coming back. "Haiku, will you marry me?"

A smile crossed her lips, "Of course I will."

Itachi let out a sigh of relief. "Good. We better see what she wants."

* * *

The couple entered the room knowing full well it most likely wasn't a good sign when Muki requested if not commanded someone to see her.

Muki finished up a contract and was sure to carefully hide it from everyone in the room, especially Madara just to annoy him.

"Mom, what did you want to speak to us about?" Haiku asked, glancing over at Kola who was gnawing on the ear of a rather large chocolate bunny.

"How close are you and Itachi?" Muki questioned.

Haiku tensed, "Why?"

Stoically Itachi asked, "May I marry your daughter?"

Itachi moved slightly to evade the warning shot Madara sent at him, the kunai embedding into the thick, wooden door.

"Haiku, do you want to marry him?" Muki asked.

Haiku bowed her head in respect to her, "Yes, Mother."

Muki pulled out the contract she had so carefully hid only a few minutes before. "You can get married if you sign something."

Kola with her mouth full of chocolate questioned, "What is that?"

"A wedding contract." Muki replied.

"WHAT?" Madara bellowed. "Our ONLY DAUGHTER isn't marrying HIM!"

Itachi and Haiku carefully read over the contract, deciding whether or not it was worth whatever it was Muki wanted in return.

* * *

_Document 759_

_We, Uchiha Haiku and Uchiha Itachi, descendants of the Uchiha and Sotaki clans, agree to the terms of this contract and swear to uphold unconditional faithfulness and loyalty to each other and to provide Sotaki Muki with as many grandchildren as she sees fit so long as this contract remains in effect. We agree that so long as this contract is in place, the marriage shall be acknowledged, and so long as Sotaki Muki and Uchiha Madara acknowledge the marriage, this contract shall be in effect._

_Signature:__

_Signature:__

* * *

Haiku hesitated, pen hovering the slightest bit above the place for her to sign. She glanced at Itachi, stoic as usual, but it looked like he was holding his breath even though it wasn't noticeable that he was indeed doing so. Haiku decided she would sign this for Itachi. After all, the contract didn't seem _too_ bad.

Itachi took the pen after Haiku signed, seeing Muki smirking at them. Carefully he signed the contract, knowing this was Muki they were bargaining and hoping Haiku knew what she was doing.

* * *

"ZETSU-SAN! ZETSU-SAN, WAKE UP!" Kola all but screamed into Zetsu's ear.

Zetsu drowsily opened one eye, practically jumping out of bed when he realized Kola was straddling his chest.

Kola blinked a few times, "You move fast, Zetsu-san." She had been pushed off of him so that he could have the chance to flee the bed.

"Good **morning.**"

"ZETSU-SAN THE LOVE BIRDS ARE GETTING MARRIED!"

"When?"

"It hasn't been planned out that far yet."

Zetsu glanced at the clock. "**Kola.**"

"Yes, Zetsu-san?" Kola looked innocently up at him.

"You do know it's one forty-nine."

"It is?"

"**It's time to go back to sleep**."

"I wasn't asleep to begin with." Kola paused, "I knew there was something I've been forgetting."

"**Sleep?**"

"Yeah… That thing."

* * *

"Itachi."

"Hn?"

"Are you happy we're getting married?"

"Yes."

"You don't look it."

"And you don't seem worried about the contract." Itachi retorted.

"I just hope I don't have anything to fear."

"We'll see."

* * *

"ZETSU-SAN! I CAN'T SLEEP!"

"What is it, Kola?"

"I'm not sleepy."

"**I told you too much sugar before bedtime was a bad idea.** **You just had to bring out the giant marshmallows.**"

"Do you think they're making the baby?"

"Who?"

"_Them_."

"**No**. You know Haiku just as well as I do."

"If I go over there, do you think I'll see them making the baby?"

"No."

"Why won't you tell me?"

"**I did**."

"No you didn't! You haven't told me how to make the baby. I want to know, Zetsu-san!"

"Maybe when you're older."

"It's not fair! Why can you know how to make the baby when we're the same age? Haiku knows and she's younger than me!"

"**Kola**."

"Yes?"

"Go to sleep."

Kola pouted one last time before he fell back to sleep.

* * *

**Author's Note: Sorry this chapter's a bit short, but what do you think of it so far? The contract itself was created by the one and only Muki *cough* Googala2 *cough* Thanks for reading and thank you once again Googala2 for providing me with the contract. ^_^ Oh yes, before I forget, what do you guys think of the contract?  
**


	2. The Wedding

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life **

**Chapter 2: The Wedding

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**

**Author's Note: Thanks for those who have reviewed my stories thus far. Enjoy. ^_^**

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**

Haiku sat in a kimono while she waited for everything to be ready to start. Muki had despised the fact that she was even wearing it, but Haiku had decided that she was going to wear it anyway. Madara had looked like he was sulking for the duration of the morning preparations. It was either because of the fact that Haiku was getting married, it was to Itachi or some other reason, but it's not like he was planning on telling anyone why it was that he was in such a mood.

"Muki, what did you think of Madara when you first met him?" Haiku glanced over at Muki who was sitting on the ground, cross-legged.

Muki looked up at Haiku who was sitting on a wooden chair, "A self loathing bitch."

"You thought he was a woman? Why?"

"His hair was too long, nails too clean, too neat and too long, wore a dress and has bigger boobs than me."

Haiku blinked a few times, speechless.

Muki left the room right as Madara was coming in. Madara stopped before Haiku, looking down on his daughter. "Kola brought the cake."

Haiku got up, both heading outside where the wedding was to be located in a meadow. "Madara, what did you think of Muki when you first met her."

Stoically he replied, "A hysterical, psychotic bitch."

"Why'd you get married to her? I don't really remember."

"We were forced."

"Do you still have the wedding present she gave you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It died."

The two got to where Kola was standing next to a cake in the shape of the Uchiha Crest. The problem was, it was so big, it had to be on three, long rectangular tables to be held up.

"Kola, why's the cake so big?" Haiku asked her sister.

"There's a lot of people eating it, munch much."

"Where's everyone?"

"I'll show you!" Kola suddenly made both Madara and Haiku small like when Haiku had hid Itachi from Kakashi during the formal dance to celebrate the original founding of the Leaf Village. She shoved the two into a small opening in the cake to meet up with everyone else who had also been shoved in.

Kola waited next to the cake for a little while longer, just long enough to allow the ninja heading towards the wedding to arrive. As soon as he sensed the chakra signatures, he tried to attack the cake with his katana, only for Kola to block the strike and shrink him down so he could be added into the cake's hollow chamber. She looked around one last time before shrinking down and teleporting into the cake.

* * *

Itachi waited next to Muki in his formal kimono. He ignored the presence of Sasuke since Madara was leading Haiku to him. Itachi knew he'd have to deal with his little brother a little bit later on.

"Itachi! I'll kill you!" Sasuke raced at Itachi with a chidori only for Kola to catch him halfway. Temporarily blocking his chakra points, she dragged him over to where the empty chair was in case if he was to arrive as planned. She forced him down and tied him down.

Kola pressed her finger to her lips, "Shh."

Sasuke glared at her even though she just brushed it aside since she was used to it from growing up with Haiku. She sat next to Sasuke and elbowed him to keep him quiet.

Muki thought over what was supposed to happen during the ceremony. She wasn't originally going to preside over the wedding, but things happen. Muki's mind wandered back to where her and Madara had shoved the body of the priest shortly after they had killed him. Why was he killed, one might ask.

The simple answer to that was difference of opinion, just like the causes of a great deal of wars. He was apparently angry for having been kidnapped in the first place and then refused to preside over a marriage between two ninja who weren't Christian. It wasn't like very many people let alone ninja were Christian to begin with. He said something about wanting to convert people in this 'new land' and had only been over on this continent for a few weeks. Oh well. It didn't matter much anyway.

"Madara, will you give Itachi your permission to marry Haiku?" Muki was half tempted to pull Madara down to her eye level.

Madara stood there in his black formal kimono, somewhat thankful the rest of the Akatsuki knew who he and Muki were so that way they didn't have to disguise themselves. He glowered at Itachi who regarded him with a stoic gaze.

"Madara."

His arm tightened around Haiku's, almost pulling her closer to him. Madara didn't want to give up his daughter to this… this man. He never imagined this day would come in which he'd have to let his daughter get married.

"Madara. Do you?"

His lips pulled to a tight frown. Madara watched as Muki was about to say the word 'couch' before he replied, very hesitantly and full of hatred for Itachi, "Yes."

Muki smiled up at Madara before continuing, "Itachi, would you like to marry Haiku?"

Itachi let out the breath he had been holding in for quite some time, "Yes."

"Haiku, would you like to marry Itachi?"

"Yes." Haiku replied happily.

"You've signed the contract already. As so long as it's in effect, the two of you are married."

Madara whispered into Itachi's ear right before Itachi was able to kiss Haiku, "If you harm my daughter in any way and I find out about it, I'm going to skin you alive and kill you in the most painful way possible."

Itachi stiffened.

Haiku looked up at her father, not knowing what he said to Itachi, but guess what kind of statement it had been judging by Itachi's response, "Dad, please leave him alone. He hasn't done anything wrong."

Kola stood up and announced loudly for everyone to hear, "If you want out, you're going to have to eat your way out!"

Zetsu questioned Kola for the Akatsuki, "Will you make everyone back to their normal size when they get out?"

Kola looked depressed at the thought, "Yes." Kola suddenly stood up straight, "When are we getting married?"

"**You might want to check on Sonya. **She looks as if she's planning on escaping." Zetsu used his opportunity to flee to the other side of the chamber.

Kola went up to Sonya who was doing measurements on the wall of cake. "What are doing, munch much?"

"Planning out my escape. I know the exact spot to start." Sonya grinned and began cutting away at the wall.

Kola walked away mumbling to herself, "If you really want to go that way…"

Kola checked on Sasuke's binds before attempting to sneak up on Zetsu who was hiding behind other Akatsuki members in order to not draw Kola's attention, which of course did the exact opposite.

Sasuke glared at the fluffy sweetness in front of him. Once again he complained to the one holding the fork with the substance on it, "I don't eat cake."

Muki shoved the fork in, along with the cake, doing her best to force him to eat it.

Muki looked around for Kola, just remembering what she needed to do before the newly wedded couple managed to slip away from everyone else and the torment of eating as much cake as humanly possible.

Kola happened to be latched onto Zetsu's leg, sitting on his foot and refusing to let go unless he told her what she wanted to know. It was most likely about the question Zetsu had been avoiding for most of his life, but Kola just wouldn't give up or would forget about it for a while only to remember and try and get the answers she wanted from him once again.

Kola noticed that her attention was desired, so she reluctantly let go of Zetsu, much to his relief, and skipped over to Muki just because she wanted to remind herself that she could still skip, even in what seemed to them to be a giant cake.

Kola took Muki's place and instead of only picking up a small amount of cake, she took a piece that would be lucky if it all ended up in Sasuke's mouth if he was willing to eat it in the first place.

Sasuke stared at the piece, disbelieving what she was going to do, "You wouldn't."

A mischievous smile appeared on Kola's face. And that was when Sasuke realized several things… 1: Not liking sweets very much was going to make this hell. 2: He'd never want to be anywhere near cake again, especially in large quantities. 3: He'd never want to be alone with Kola again. 4: He was royally screwed.

Sasuke's eyes darted over to where Itachi was standing, half wanting to kill Itachi, while the other half wanted Itachi to save him from Kola.

"Daughter, be sure to find out all you can about Itachi's love life."

Haiku raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Muki smirked, "Madara, show us what happened when you and your brother teamed up against Hashirama."

Madara stiffened, "They don't need to know."

"Nonsense, show them."

* * *

Itachi stood there with a slight twitch at what they had just seen while Haiku just stared at Madara, wide eyed.

"Dad! You had a thing for Hashirama?"

Muki answered for Madara, "Oh yes, they had many times like that afterwards, but Izuna wasn't involved as far as I know. It was far from one-sided with the Senju and your father."

"When was this?"

"Before we got married."

Not too pleased at his daughter and now son-in-law finding out about such matters, Madara waited patiently for the shock belonging to the newlyweds before presenting an old looking blanket with elaborately stitched detail for the boarders.

Muki motioned to the folded up blanket. "A wedding gift to the two of you."

"A blanket?" Haiku questioned, not having any recollections of its significance.

"The baby-maker. This is the blanket you were conceived on." Muki smiled, "There's a stain on it that won't come out."

Madara unfolded it, revealing a rather large stain in the center. Muki continued, "Oh yes, that stain was once a lot bigger." There were numerous spots on it where it had been ripped and torn. Some of these spots had been stitched up, others were left as is.

The Akatsuki members who overheard the conversation thus far turned as white as freshly fallen snow and while some questioned the sanity of Muki and Madara, others tried to tune out what they just heard, trying to focus instead on escaping the sugary wrath of cake.

Haiku dropped to the floor, landing on her butt. In the fetal position, she slowly rocked herself as if trying to treat mental wounds from long ago.

Itachi looked over at Haiku, wondering what it was that was so much worse about this 'baby-maker' as Muki called it than what had already been told.

"It's **that** blanket. I don't need to know what you two do on it." Haiku mumbled to herself.

"It's not scarring, it's teaching." Muki grinned.

Itachi took a step back. Muki was a crazy, crazy woman and Itachi knew she was only just beginning to reveal what Haiku had to experience for the short while she was with her parents.

"I don't want children." Haiku scrambled up and hid behind Itachi just as both Muki and Madara took a step closer to the two.

"Itachi's dom?"

"Mom!" Haiku came out just the slightest bit from behind Itachi.

"If you're not careful, you'll be one too. Use protection until you're ready to fulfill your end of the contract."

Madara handed Itachi the ripped and stained blanket in which his in-laws had done a great number of things both on top of and underneath. Some things he just would rather not think about, let alone at the wedding.

"Thank you." Itachi accepted the gift only for Haiku to pull it out of his hands and throw it to an unoccupied area of the chamber, only seconds before it blew up.

Haiku got between Madara and Itachi, death glaring her father, tone quiet, hair slightly spiking. "Don't kill my husband."

Itachi inwardly sighed. It would have been a quick and painless death if it succeeded. It was only going to be a long and painful death if he had first harmed Haiku in any way. So much for being on good terms with Madara.

Madara smirked at his daughter. Deciding he and Muki had other things that they wanted to get done in the chamber such as seeing if it was possible to escape through the collapsed area in which the blanket had been thrown if chunks of cake were moved aside, he patted his daughter on the head, smoothing out the spikes as he walked past.

The explosion had caught the attention of the fellow Akatsuki members. Sonya paused in her advances through the cake just long enough to see what happened before digging back in.

Kola, sensing the possible escape of two of her captives, went to check out the situation, leaving Sasuke to himself. He glanced around and noticed Sonya who would have been outside of the cake by now if she had chose a spot other than where the base of the crest was and thus the long part.

* * *

"Itachi. This is for you." Haiku handed Itachi a long package.

Carefully he opened it up, revealing a sheathed katana. His eyes worked their way back up to Haiku's.

Haiku smiled, "I thought you might like a new one or you could always use this one as a spare."

"Thank you." Itachi replied without the slightest of cracks in his impassive mask.

Haiku looked down. "It's ok if you don't want it. I probably should have gotten you something else for a wedding present."

Itachi reached over to her where she sat, lifting her face up to meet his own. "It's fine." He got up from where he sat and offered his hand to her.

She simply looked up at him. "Did you get me anything?"

"You'll find out later."

* * *

Itachi slipped away from Haiku when she was going to talk to Kola and see if they really had to eat their way out of the cake. He came up to Sasuke who was in the middle of figuring out a way to escape from where he was tied up. He looked down at Sasuke with an impassive look. "Sasuke."

Sasuke's eyes met Itachi's; a look of pure hatred crossed the younger Uchiha's features. "Itachi."

Itachi leaned in, whispering into Sasuke's ear. "You don't have enough hatred." He straightened out and decided on leaving Sasuke still tied up to find Haiku.

"Itachi! Let me go and you'll see your own death! I swear by the honor of my clan! You will die!"

Itachi ignored his brother completely. The clan didn't belong to Sasuke.

* * *

"What do you think Itachi?" Haiku asked.

Kola blinked a few times, "You lost your stalker."

"He's not my stalker." Haiku replied.

"Then whose stalker is he? He's definitely not my stalker. He's too much in love with you to want to follow me around all day like he does to you. That's the truth, munch much." Kola reasoned.

"He's not my stalker or anyone's stalker for that matter. He's my husband." Haiku stated.

"He's not your stalker _anymore_." Kola paused and then wildly hopped up and down, pointing at the advancing Itachi. "Once a stalker and always a stalker! Husband or not, he's not gonna stop his stalking!"

Haiku looked in the direction of Itachi and waited for him to get to where they were. "Where were you?"

"I had to do some things." Itachi answered.

Kola tilted her head to one side. "Do what?"

"Nothing of major importance." Itachi replied.

Kola leaned closer to Itachi, staring intently at his face before a sudden outburst escaped her lips. "YOU LIE!"

"Kola, why would he have a reason to lie to us?" Haiku interrogated.

Kola straightened back out before trying to poke Itachi's forehead. He caught her finger and stopped its advance. "Haiku! He's gonna rape me!"

Haiku rolled her eyes. "Itachi let her go. Kola, it's not rape. Do you even know what that means?"

Itachi let go of her finger after forcing it away from his uncovered forehead since he wasn't wearing his headband.

Kola answered, "Of course I know."

"Then what is it?" Haiku replied.

"Um… Rape is when… uh… I forgot." Kola ran over to where Zetsu was yelling, "Zetsu, what does rape mean?"

Zetsu looked at Haiku and Itachi with a questioning look.

Haiku shrugged in response. She looked back over to Itachi, "What do you want to do now?"

"How about some tea? There's a tea shop not far from here."

"We'll have to get out of here first."

"Your parents just got out." Itachi glanced over at the opening in the area from where the blanket had exploded.

"Kola's not going to be pleased."

Itachi was fully aware of the sharingan eyes that followed his movements towards the exit. He simply acted as if he didn't feel them trying to burn holes in his back.

* * *

Kola begrudgingly turned everyone who had slipped outside of the cake back to their normal size. The last one to come out and be turned back was Sonya who decided shortly after escaping to take a nap in the sun to sleep off the cake. It wasn't until Itachi reminded Kola of the last person still inside that she remembered that she left Sasuke. While she took her time to get Sasuke back to normal and outside of the pastry, Itachi and Haiku started heading off to the tea shop.

Muki stopped Itachi and confronted him alone, "Don't forget your part of the contract."

Itachi gave the slightest bit of a nod before catching up to Haiku.

"Kukuku…"

* * *

**Author's Note: So how was it? Any guesses at what Itachi has planned for Haiku?**


	3. Save the Uchiha From Extinction

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life**

**Chapter 3: Save the Uchiha From Extinction

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**

**Author's Note: Seeing how it's so close to Christmas, I guess this very long chapter could be seen as a present. ^_^ Enjoy and please review.**

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Muki watched as Haiku and Itachi walked away in the far distance. "Madara, I have a job for you."

Madara looked down upon his wife, an eyebrow slightly raised.

She pulled out a needle. "Poke holes in every condom they get."

Madara took the needle. "Are you sure?"

"I want grandchildren. This tactic has already been proven to work." Muki glared up at her husband.

Madara inwardly sighed, 'If it wasn't for these tactics, Haiku wouldn't be around in the first place.'

* * *

Itachi opened up the door, revealing Sonya who stood there with a little bit of frosting on her cheek, holding a box of condoms. "You might want this."

Itachi took the box, "Thank you."

Sonya turned into a cat before running off to where Deidara's room was.

Itachi shut the door and ignited the box with the Amaterasu.

"Itachi, what did you so that for?" A look of shock had crossed Haiku's face.

"We don't need it."

"I'm not having sex without protection." Haiku looked dead serious.

"Then get a shield and we can screw on top of that." Itachi replied.

* * *

Madara entered his room. Muki crossed her arms. "Did you do it?"

Madara replied, "He burned all the condoms Sonya gave them before I could even get the chance."

"Well if you weren't so slow, you could have done my task."

Madara looked down upon her, "Itachi's going to refuse using any protection."

"And Haiku's going to refuse having sex." Muki narrowed her eyes, "Couch."

"What for?"

"You've reduced our chances at getting grandchildren."

"It would have happened anyway."

"Couch. Now."

Madara sighed before retiring to the couch.

* * *

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 1: Request**

Itachi approached Haiku, "Let's make the baby."

"No."

"Please?"

"…No."

Internally Itachi celebrated, she took a whole five seconds to answer the second time. He was getting somewhere.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 2: Demand**

"Haiku, we're making the baby."

"No we aren't."

"Yes we are. Right now."

"I have better things to do." Haiku left Itachi alone in their bedroom so she could wash the clothes.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby Attempt 3: Negotiate

"Haiku, if you make the baby with me right now, I won't bother you about it for another three month."

Haiku looked him straight in the eye. "You're lying."

"No I'm not."

Haiku motioned to her activated sharingan.

That was the first time in which Itachi completely despised his family's bloodline trait. Even in the bloodiest parts of the massacre, he never hated it as much as he did at this moment.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 4: Peace Offerings**

Itachi handed Haiku a box of assorted chocolates. He waited with baited breath.

"Do they have walnuts?"

"No."

Haiku frowned, "No."

Kola, who popped up next to Itachi, took the box and shoved the majority into her mouth. She then followed Haiku down the hall with a big sign saying:

* * *

_Anti-No Movement _

_Save the Uchiha from Extinction_

_Just Say Yes_

* * *

It wasn't until a few minutes later did Haiku realize Kola was even holding a sign until she started chanting about saving a species from extinction did Haiku chase after Kola in an attempt to get rid of the rather large sign. After all, Haiku had already turned her back on Itachi when Kola had first appeared.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 5: Incentives**

Haiku opened up the wrapped up box that Itachi had given her. Pulling out the clothing inside, she examined the black baby clothes with one large cloud on it. Impassively she looked over at Itachi, "I didn't know you liked pajamas like this. I can get it tailored in your size."

Itachi stared blankly at Haiku in return.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 6: Hints**

Itachi waited for Haiku to get into bed that night before coming out of the bathroom, completely nude. He climbed into bed only for Haiku to point to the couch. He blinked a few times.

"No. Couch."

"Couch? No." Itachi replied.

A strand of hair near the top of her head curled, "Couch."

Itachi stiffened and hurried to the couch with his clothes. Unfortunately for Itachi, it was bit of a cold night and she refused to let him off the couch or allow him to have any blankets other than the clothes he had just put on. Fortunately for him, she forgot all about his banishment and so he managed to sneak back into bed in the middle of the night while she slept without her telling him to go back to the cold, lonely couch.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

The next day…

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 7: Reasons**

"Haiku."

Haiku looked over at Itachi with a questioning look.

"Let's revive our clan."

Haiku frowned, "No."

"Don't you care about what happens to the future of our clan?"

"It's not my fault the clan was massacred by you and my father."

"But what of the future of the clan? I don't think Sasuke will be of any help. He's too busy avoiding females to be finding a suitable mate."

"Then the clan is doomed."

**Result:**

**Failure**

**

* * *

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**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 8: Seduction**

Haiku looked down at the rose she had been handed. He reached out and caressed her face. She looked into his eyes, inspecting. He pulled her into a kiss and lightly tugged up her shirt. She pushed him away, but kept the flower. He didn't see her for most of the remaining day. The only good thing he could find about the tactic was that she liked and accepted roses. At least he found something useful for later references.

**Result:**

**Failure

* * *

**

That night…

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby**

**Attempt 9: Guilt Trip**

"Today isn't the best of days for me."

"Why is that?"

"I'm being so deprived."

"And?"

"You could change all of that."

In an uncaring fashion, Haiku replied, "So can your hand."

Itachi protested, "It's not the same thing."

"It's not my problem now is it."

"You could make my day even better."

"You could make my day better too."

"How?"

"Stop bothering me about sex." Haiku curled up on her side and went to sleep. Itachi could only glare at her sleeping form.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

The next day…

**Itachi's Tactics: Making the Baby **

**Attempt 10: Uchiha Charm**

Itachi lifted her hand to his lips, staring intently at her. He suddenly lifted her bridal style, carrying her into their room. Not a word was spoken.

SMACK

Itachi rubbed his cheek as he sat in a corner of their room. "No one's ever resisted the Uchiha Charm."

Madara entered the room for no apparent reason and sat in a nearby corner. Apparently he knew what had happened. In a moment of sympathy, Madara muttered, "Sotaki women."

Itachi nodded in agreement.

Muki poked her head in the doorway, "What do you mean no one's ever resisted it? You're a virgin."

Itachi cautiously met her eyes. "How would you know?"

Muki grinned, "Kukuku."

Itachi felt a small twitch. He didn't want to know how she knew. In fact, he didn't want to know where Muki got half the information if not more that she somehow got ahold of.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

Kola and Zetsu sat in a little restaurant in a nearby town, waiting to order dinner. After the two talked about random little things from how her t-rex was doing to how the quality of the recent marshmallows they had obtained were and everything in-between, the waitress showed up.

"Sorry about the wait, we've been a bit busy tonight. What can I get you two to drink?"

"A chocolate milk for me and a… chocolate milk for him. Two chocolate milks with lots and lots of marshmallows and whipped cream on top!" Kola declared.

"Oh how sweet. Are you two dating or married?"

"We're da-" Zetsu tried to answer.

Kola interrupted, "We're married!"

"**We never got-**"

"For how long? You two look a bit young to have been married for long." The waitress interrupted.

"Thirty seconds!" Kola declared loud enough for the area of the town in which the restaurant was located to hear.

"Kola, we never got-"

"You're order's on the house. It's the least we can do for newlyweds. After all, you two just got married tonight."

"Why are they on the house? Do we have to lick the walls or look on the roof?" Kola questioned.

"No, you get what you want for free tonight."

"Thank you!" As soon as the waitress left with the rest of their order, Kola stared down Zetsu.

"**Kola, we aren't married.**"

"You don't love me, Zetsu?" Kola's eyes seemed to get bigger and started watering up like a little puppy that didn't get what it wanted. The major difference between the two is that the puppy was not and could never be: Kola.

"No, Kola, it's not that. **We love you, it's just we aren't married.** We haven't had a ceremony that declares that we have indeed gotten married. **It's a bit sudden for you to claim we are married.**"

"No it's not. I've been waiting ever since I was little. Haiku and Itachi got married so why can't we be?"

"We have to plan everything out first."

"No."

"**Why not?**"

"We don't need planning because we're already married." Kola crossed her arms and had a look of agitation. It quickly disappeared when the chocolate milks appeared. She took one as fast as the glasses were set down and downed the whole thing in one swift motion.

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 1:** **Ask**

"Zetsu-san. Let's make the baby!"

Zetsu blinked. "You don't know how."

"You can show me."

"**Not now**."

"Please tell me?"

"Maybe later."

"Ok." Kola left Zetsu alone for five minutes. "Zetsu, how do you make the baby?"

"**I'll tell you later.**"

"But it is later."

"I never said when."

"Tell me now!" Kola demanded.

"Marshmallow?" Zetsu presented giant marshmallows.

Kola plopped on the floor and shoved five in her mouth, slowly chewing it up. With her mouth still stuffed, she said, "Tanks, Wetsu-tan."

Zetsu let out a sigh of relief. He knew it was a good idea to follow his instincts and buy that bag. He put the rest away for later when he might need it again.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 2: Stalking**

Kola crawled on the ground after Zetsu as he walked through the hallway. Sasori came in the opposite direction, and in order to stay out of his way, Kola started crawling on the wall and then the ceiling. Slowly she followed him on his way to room after room, merging into the ground whenever Zetsu looked behind him.

'If Itachi does this all the time and knows how to make the baby, then if I do the same, I'll know how to make the baby.' Kola thought to herself as she made a right turn on the ceiling. 'Then how'd Haiku find out?' She merged into the ceiling once again and remerged onto the wall. 'Stalking makes it so that way both will know. The knowledge in which I seek is locked up and this might help me find it.' "Why won't he just tell me!"

Zetsu turned around, spotting Kola who just about fell onto the ground from the shock that she just shouted the last of her thoughts.

"**Kola, what are you doing?**"

"NOTHING!" With that, Kola teleported away.

"**You think we should tell her we knew of her presence all along?**"

"It'll ruin her fun. Whatever that may be this time around." Zetsu's white half answered.

"**What do you think she was after?**"

"Who knows? We could always guess."

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 3: Beg**

"Zetsu, tell me how to make the baby." Kola demanded.

"Not now."

"Zetsu, please tell me how to make the baby."

"**When you're older.**"

Kola latched onto Zetsu's leg when he tried to leave the room. "Zetsu, you got to tell me how to make the baby!"

"I can't."

"WHY NOT?"

"**You're not ready to know yet.**"

"YES I AM!"

"Kola, get off."

"MAKE ME!"

"**Kola, please get off.**"

"Zetsu, I'm begging you, complete me! Tell me what I need to know!"

"Kola, please. Don't do this. Get off."

"If you don't tell me, I don't see any reason why I should go on living."

Zetsu could feel his pants getting wet where her tears started seeping into the cloth. "Kola, please stop crying. **You can't kill yourself. You're immortal; remember?** Kola, there are plenty of reasons why you should keep living."

"Tell me why? Why should I keep living? Why won't you tell me?"

"So you can be with me."

"Tell me how to grow the baby!"

"Kola, later on I'll tell you. When you're older."

"We're the same age! Why can you know and I can't?"

"**Kola, it's time for dinner.**"

"Really? What's for dinner tonight?"

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 4: Persistence**

"Zetsu, tell me how to make the baby."

"Not now."

"Zetsu, tell me how to make the baby."

"**Not now.**"

"Zetsu, why won't you tell me how to make the baby?"

"You're not ready yet."

"How do I get ready?"

"**When you're older, you'll know what you want.**"

"I give up!" Kola left the room. Twenty-one minutes later, Kola reentered the room. "How do you make the baby?"

"I thought you gave up."

"Oh yeah…" Kola left the room. Nine minutes later, Kola returned with a marshmallow. "Zetsu, how do you make the baby?"

"**Not now.**"

Kola threw the marshmallow on the ground. "I give up!"

"You already did."

Kola marched out of the room, only to return, walking half the way and crawling on the ground for the rest of the distance in order to grab the left behind marshmallow. Once she obtained it, she shoved it in her mouth, got up and fled the room.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 5: Bargain**

"Zetsu, if you tell me how to make the baby, I'll give you my giant chocolate bunny with marshmallow filling and a red chocolate bow." Kola presented Zetsu with the sitting up bunny that even though it was somewhat flat; it was still very thick and almost as tall as her.

"**You'll get sick if you eat all that at once. It's too much sugar.** How'd you even get that?"

"The chocolate factory."

"What were you doing over there?"

"Making a sculpture of Madara for Muki out of pure chocolate so I made this afterwards."

"**Why'd they let you do that?**"

"Muki's got friends in charge of it." Kola paused, remembering what her plan was, "So do we have a deal?"

"No."

Kola pouted before carrying off her chocolate prize.

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

Madara walked into his bedroom to see Muki licking the arm of a chocolate replica of him. "Muki, what are you doing?"

"You've been replaced."

"Why?"

Muki looked up at him, melted chocolate covering her face, "He tastes better."

Madara twitched. His pride was being once again bruised. "It's a piece of chocolate."

"You're just saying that because you're too incompetent to realize he's just better than you in every way."

"No he's not."

"Couch."

Madara slunk to the couch, watching her actions with rage at first, then after a while, curiosity. He'd kill to be able to be off the couch, and do all the things he wanted to do to Muki.

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 6: Reason**

"Zetsu, I want to know how to make the baby."

"Later on."

"I have a right to know. It's not right for Haiku to know and we're married now so I don't see why you can't tell me. Haiku and Itachi are going to make the baby and we won't have any."

"**But wouldn't you want to be an aunt?**"

"Of course I wanna be an aunt to a bunch of mini-Haiku and Stalker Jrs." Kola glomped Zetsu, "Am I going to be an aunt soon? I wanna see the cute little Uchiha Babies with gleaming little sharingans. Do you think any will have Itachi's lines?"

"You know just as I do, lines aren't passed down generations by genes."

"Then why does Stalker have lines?"

"**Stress**."

**Result:**

**Failure**

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 7: Ask Haiku**

Kola found Haiku in the library. "Haiku, how do you make the baby?"

Just at that point in time, Itachi came up to Haiku, "Haiku, let's make the baby."

"No."

Kola watched in complete amazement. Everything she wanted to know was clear now. "I know how to make the baby!"

**Result:**

**So-so**

* * *

Sonya, listening to the small bell around her furry neck as she walked on all four legs stopped at the intersection of the hallway that led to where Zetsu's room was. Every now and then Sonya liked to allow Deidara to put this collar on her, mainly because she liked the bell.

"NOOOOO!"

Sonya tilted her head to one side.

"NO, ZETSU-SAN, DON'T DO IT!"

Sonya hurried towards Zetsu's room as fast as she could, the result being that it only took her just a little bit to get there through the weaving corridors, many of which being dead ends.

"ZETSU, I SAID NO! NO! NO!"

It wasn't long before a crowd showed up outside of Zetsu's room, all wondering what in the world it was that Zetsu was doing to Kola.

Zetsu exited the room, a look of panic on his face.

"NO!"

"Zetsu, what did you do to her?" Haiku questioned.

"**Nothing.**" Zetsu replied.

"NO!" Kola leaped out of the room, lunging at his back and tackling him to the wall. Her face stained with tears, she wailed again, "NOOOOOO!"

Zetsu reached out to the surrounding Akatsuki members, trying to get help away from Kola.

"NO!" Kola squeezed Zetsu even tighter, causing bones to break under the pressure of her grip.

In a small voice, Zetsu almost begged, "Help me."

"Kola, get off of him." Haiku demanded.

Kola looked up at Haiku, relaxing her grip. "NO!"

"What are you doing?" Haiku asked.

Kola wiped her face of with the back of her hand since she wasn't wearing her purple jacket. Apparently it was in the washer machine since Kola snuck it into Haiku's dirty clothes so she wouldn't have to clean it herself. Kola straightened her fishnet shirt, currently straddling Zetsu who was crumpled on the ground. "Making the baby."

"That's not how you make the baby."

"You told me 'no'."

"I was telling Itachi no to making the baby."

"So to make the baby, you just say no."

"That's what you say when you don't want to make the baby."

"Then how do you make the baby?"

"Kola, I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Zetsu will tell you one of these days."

Kola looked down at Zetsu, patting him on the head. "Do you like my new bra?"

"I'm guessing it matches your underwear."

"Yup! Do you like it?"

"Where's your fishnet shirts with the gray cloth?"

"In your dirty clothes pile."

"Along with your purple jacket?"

"Yup!"

Haiku sighed, "Kola, please help Zetsu."

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 8: Ask Muki For New Tactics**

"Muki, I wanna know how to make the baby, but Zetsu won't tell me. How do I make him tell?"

"Drink loosens a man's tongue."

"What's that mean?"

"I would have given up on you long ago if you weren't way I got most of my information." Muki sighed.

Kola grinned.

"Get him drunk."

"On what?"

"Sake."

"_Oh._"

**Result:**

**Success**

* * *

**Muki's Tactics: Getting Grandchildren**

**Attempt 1: Appeal To Sotaki Fetishes**

"Kola, before you go, I have a job for you."

Kola tilted her head to one side. "Is it going to be fun?"

"…Yes. It's to help Itachi convince Haiku to make the baby."

Kola went wide eyed, "Why wouldn't she want to make the baby?"

"She doesn't want to be in charge of the heir."

"Oh."

"This is what I need you to do…"

* * *

"Genjutsu? No."

"Do it and no longer be banished to the couch or be stuck on the couch for a month."

Madara huffed in aggravation, "Fine."

* * *

Itachi found himself suddenly pinned to the bed, hips being straddled as Haiku lowered her head to kiss him on the cheek. He tried to reach up to her face only for each hand to pin his own. Was this all a dream?

* * *

Haiku walked into Itachi's bedroom, jaw dropping and a small trickle of blood coming out of her nose. Quickly locking the door, she approached the two Itachi lying on the bed, one pinning the other down completely while they watched her intently. "Clothes, off." Her only demand.

The one pinning the other disappeared in a poof of smoke while the other hesitated. Her hair slightly spiked, "Now."

Itachi quickly tossed his clothes to the floor, waiting for what he had been hoping for, ever since they first got married. He just didn't know what happened to the previous Haiku, but quite frankly, he didn't really care. Now that this point was reached, he could follow his already thought out plans.

* * *

Itachi looked up at Haiku with a smirk, so she had no clue what her next move was after all. Good. Now he knew he could take control of the situation without much resistance or deal with very many possible changes in his plan.

Haiku stood there somewhat near the bed in an unclothed state. She completely avoided looking at him, nervous and slowly moving her arms in a way to cover up her chest. She was already thinking of a way to get out of this situation if at all possible due to uncertainty.

Itachi watched her with examining eyes, monitoring every little move she made. Itachi laid back, hands behind his head in the most relaxed posture he could think of without making her feel suspicious. "It's getting late."

"I'm not tired." Haiku mumbled, instantly regretting having told him the truth.

"You must be getting cold standing in the middle of the room like that."

"Just a little."

"It's warmer over here."

"Is it?"

"Come lay with me."

Haiku made an attempt to reclaim her clothing.

Itachi got up, wrapping his arms around her waist before she could reach to grab her lost articles of clothing. She stiffened in his arms. Itachi pulled her into his chest, whispering into her ear, "Nervous?"

Haiku listened to her heart beating in her ears. She was already aware of a blush that was present on her cheeks. "Let me go."

"We're married and yet you don't want me to hold you?"

"I want my clothes back."

"I didn't take them. They're sitting right in front of us."

"I want to put them back on."

"Why would you want to do that? Are you not comfortable in this state around me, who also happens to be in the same state as you?"

"Itachi, it's cold."

"Then get in bed."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You're holding me."

"I'm just keeping you warm."

"Why'd you leave the window open?"

"It's been open all day."

"That's why it's abnormally cold."

"Do you want me to close it?"

"Yes."

Itachi released her to close the window and be sure it was locked.

Haiku got under the blankets, slightly shivering.

Itachi climbed into bed, underneath the blankets, only to lie directly on Haiku.

"Itachi, get off of me."

Itachi's hot breath fanned onto the side of her neck. "I'm just keeping you warm. Unless you want us to both get cold on our separate sides of the bed."

Haiku wrapped her arms around his chest. "You're warm." She closed her eyes and let out a big sigh.

While her eyes remained closed, he bit down on her shoulder, licking and sucking at the flesh between his teeth.

Haiku's eyes snapped open, trying to push him off of her. "Itachi!"

Itachi pinned her arms to the bed with his hands. He let go of her shoulder only to look directly into her face. "Yes?"

"What'd you do that for?"

Itachi looked back to the red spot he left behind. "Just showing you how happy I am."

"Happy? That's more like marking me as yours!"

"I am yours just as much as you are mine." Itachi replied. He moved one of her wrists to the other, that way he could pin them both with one hand. He then used his right hand to caress her cheek.

Haiku glared up at Itachi only for him to press his lips against hers in a gentle kiss.

Knock, knock.

Itachi pulled away, sharingan eyes looking at the door.

"Itachi? I need to talk to you." It was Kisame.

Haiku looked up at Itachi with a smile appearing on her face, he'd have to talk to Kisame and quite possibly release her in the process.

Itachi let go of her hands only to recapture them after performing the Shadow Clone Jutsu.

Haiku watched the naked clone besides them only to look back at the real Itachi.

The clone threw on Itachi's cloak, being sure that nothing showed before unlocking the door, opening it enough so that he could talk to Kisame without Kisame being able to look in.

Kisame handed Itachi a scroll. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything important, but we have a mission tomorrow."

The clone looked through the scroll. "We'll leave tomorrow afternoon. Right after lunch." The clone rolled back up the scroll and shut the door, being sure to lock it. The clone set the scroll on the table, putting the cloak back where he got it from and strolled over to where Itachi and Haiku lay. The clone sat next to the two, cross-legged. "She seems to have calmed down with the appearance of me."

Itachi caressed her face. "Why would that be?"

Haiku said at that point, only one word, "ItaIta."

The two Itachi looked at each other, a look of disbelief.

The first Itachi twitched, "That explains why she was so willing in the first place. While we saw Haiku, she must have seen another Itachi."

The second Itachi nodded in agreement. "Someone very skilled must have put us in a genjutsu."

"But it was a real person, so who could that have been?"

"I hope it wasn't Kola."

"Oh god it was."

"Muki's the only one who could have been connected to all of this."

"And it is now apparent Haiku has a fetish for watching selfcest."

Haiku looked up at the two, "Only ItaIta."

Itachi thought to himself, 'Looks like I have to make a small change in plans, but oh god, why does it have to be this?'

The second Itachi, knowing what had to be done, pulled the first Itachi's hair to get him to look at the clone. With a heavy sigh, the clone pressed his lips against the others. The two quickly pulled apart, looking at Haiku for her reaction.

Haiku grinned.

The clone, not wanting to repeat his actions, disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Itachi let go of Haiku's wrists only for her to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss.

He unwrapped her arms in order to sit up, aware of his new problem.

Hesitantly, Haiku spread her legs for him. She looked away, "Just get this over with."

Itachi got into a comfortable position, aligning himself up with her entrance and slowly entering. He gave her a kiss as he pushed in deeper.

Haiku pulled away from his kiss, hissing at the invasion. She wrapped her arms around his neck, once again, only now her fingers entwined into his hair, pulling at the longer strands. "Itachi, this **really** hurts."

"It's because you're a virgin."

"Not anymore!"

With one hand, Itachi held onto her hip, and started a steady pace. Withholding a grunt, Itachi notified her, "The first time is supposed to be the most painful."

"How would you know?"

Instead of answering, he found another spot to leave a mark on her pale skin.

Haiku let out a soft moan, "Faster."

Itachi ignored her.

"Urg… Harder."

Itachi once again ignored her.

"Please Itachi. Go faster… or harder."

Itachi ignored her pleas. He was going to stay in control of the pace for the entire time just to prove to himself that he could. He just needed to stay focused and do his best to keep the pace.

"I bet your clone would have done better."

Itachi, finding yet another spot he wanted to turn red for a while, covered her mouth with his free hand.

The grip on his hair tightened. In response, Itachi took his hand away from her mouth, knowing full well they were almost there. It was just a matter of time.

"Itachi."

"Haiku."

Together, they went over the edge for the first time.

**Result:**

**Success**

* * *

Madara crumpled to the floor outside Itachi's room next to Muki, his head slamming into the floor as he heard those sounds from the two just as he knew both he and Muki made during the hundreds if not thousands of times they had done the very same. A major difference was that Haiku didn't care if Itachi used protection while Muki would only allow it if protection was used. It wasn't long before his face became smeared with blood, more pooling onto the cold floor.

"Oh Madara, I have a present for you."

Madara instantly sat up, blood dripping off his face, fully attentive to Muki.

She held out a black blindfold, smirk on her face. "Kukuku."

* * *

**Kola's Tactics: Discovering The Art of Baby Making**

**Attempt 9: The Art of Drinking**

Kola sat there with Zetsu at the bar. He was now fully healed, but watched her cautiously as she ordered the first drinks from the bartender.

"I bet I can drink more Sake than you."

"You've never drunk Sake in your whole life."

"Yes I have!"

"When?"

"…Uh…"

"**Why are we here?**"

"I still bet you that I can drink more it than you."

"No you can't."

"Then let's see." Kola downed the first glass, taunting him to do the same.

* * *

Zetsu stared at Kola after the very last drop of Sake had been drunk. He no longer knew how many bottles they went through, but all he knew was that Kola was beautiful and he'd do anything to keep her happy.

Kola, who never drank a sip of Sake in her life, managed to not be as drunk as Zetsu ended up. She leaned closer to Zetsu, "How do you make the baby?"

"That's easy. **Sex.**" Zetsu replied. "That's all there is to it."

Kola's fingernails dug into the table. She knew what must be done.

Zetsu immediately sobered up, realizing how doomed he was. Carefully, he got up and started backing away in the direction of the door.

Sonya who had been walking with Deidara, went past the bar, only to decide on getting blackmail, stopped to put a video camera on the table in the perfect position to get everything that was going on, on tape. She then left with him with the intention of getting the video camera later.

Kola jumped over the table, tackling Zetsu to the ground. "We will make the baby!"

"Kola, no. Please, this isn't the time to do this. **We need to plan everything out first.**"

"I already planned everything out."

"**Where are we going to live?**"

"In my parents' tree."

"How about savings to have a family. We need to save money up first."

"Don't need it."

"How are we going to feed the family if we don't have money."

"The fields."

"Kola, don't. Not here. **What'd you do with my pants?**"

The bartender gathered money from the others who were at the bar, watching the entire scene and making bets on what would happen next.

"Kola, don't-**oh god**… **that feels**… so… good."

People at the bar couldn't help but stare at the scene before them. The bartender gathered even more money from bets, carefully keeping track of who bet on what.

**Result:**

**Success**

* * *

The bartender counted up the money he got from all the betting in the end. A nice little sum if anyone asked him. Sure it could have been more, but it was still more than he would have been getting from his job.

"Bye, Kakuzu." Kola had a grin on her face as she helped Zetsu with each step.

Zetsu cringed at the pace she was trying to get him to go in. He was almost positive she broke something. Next time, there was no way she'd top him, not until she learned to be gentler. After all, she figured the faster and harder she went, the more pleasure she'd get in return. In the end, Zetsu gave up walking and allowed her to carry him back to the base. He knew better than to hope he'd get a good night sleep. He'd be better off trying to find and heal whatever it was that she broke.

* * *

Sonya came back to the bar, greeting Kakuzu and looking for her video camera that must have gotten the entire thing on video. What great blackmail material! "Bartender?"

Kakuzu looked up from his money.

"Where's my video camera?"

"Is it gone?"

"Yes."

"It's over there."

Sonya checked it only to find out that someone took the tape from it, but was nice enough to leave the camera behind. Only this time, it was in a different spot, only a few tables down. "Zetsu."

"He got rid of the recording you made." Kakuzu replied. "Just be glad the camera still works."

Deidara came inside, "What happened here, un?" Deidara had a sly grin on his face.

* * *

**Author's Note: A lot of things have happened, some for the better, others for the worse. It's all a matter of opinion I guess. This ended up being a very long chapter. I hope I didn't mess up too much on my first lemon. I originally didn't have the lemon in there and so the part where it shows up was a lot shorter. After writing it out on a different document, I decided since it was originally made for that scene and since I hoped it was written out somewhat well, I put it in. Personally, I really like the 'Anti-No Movement.'**


	4. Firebird

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life**

**Chapter 4: Firebird**

* * *

"So how long has it been?"

"Since when?"

Frost weaved her way behind Haiku, "Since you first had sex with him."

"Uh… four months."

"Was it as humans call 'protected?'"

"No."

"How often have you done it with him?" Frost had a sly grin on her white face.

"It's none of your business." Haiku replied.

"That often?"

"What? How often do you think?"

Diamond stated, "Judging by how she's wearing a turtleneck in the summer, it's probably a lot."

"Diamond! This is supposed to be a family meeting."

Diamond snickered, "How many marks did he leave?"

"I'm just wearing this because it's been cold lately."

Flame entered the conversation, "We all know Haiku can easily make stuff like that go away easily. After all, she's good at the healing arts. She isn't hiding anything."

Magma countered, "As much as I don't like the idea of her being married, especially to Itachi, I've been around the Uchiha Clan for a long time. I know it's a disgrace for a man or woman if their mate removes any marks made while mating with the aid of the healing arts. The body naturally healing and removing them in time is the more acceptable way. Removing them before their time is like trying to erase each other and the relationship they have. Kind of like saying one isn't good enough for the other."

"This isn't an appropriate conversation in front of Aqua."

"She doesn't know what we're talking about." Magma replied.

"That's what my parents thought when they talked about kinks they had in front of guests." Haiku shivered at the thought.

"Madara-sama and Muki-sama didn't hurt you in any way by simply talking about it." Magma replied.

Aqua hit Magma in the face with a jet of water. The small dragon giggled before curling up and gently falling asleep next to Diamond.

"It also depends on what they're doing while talking about it."

"You still grew into a healthy young Uchiha woman who is mating just fine." Frost smiled. "Don't worry, you and Itachi will revive the clan soon enough."

Haiku glared at Frost, "I don't want to revive the clan."

Diamond snickered, "Then you're just in it for the sex. Or should I say he's just in you for the sex."

"Diamond, you've really become a perv."

Kola appeared next to Haiku, once again holding her Anti-No Movement Sign. "Sister, it's almost time for the meeting."

"Another?"

"Yup."

"Kola, please get rid of that sign."

"We, no you, have to save the Uchiha from extinction."

Haiku sighed, "I better get going then."

Kola watched as Haiku disappeared out of the Summoning Realm. "Banana?"

Flame looked at Kola, "No thanks."

* * *

Kola sat down in a random spot. With meetings, first come; first serve when it came to seats. Kola set down the large bundle of bananas on the table. As patiently as she could manage, she waited for the rest of the Akatsuki to gather. It wasn't long before she was pestering both Haiku and Zetsu seeing how this time, she ended up between the two.

Letting her bananas stand as a spot holder for her, she merged into the ground, remerging behind Kisame and crawling after him on the floor. "Du nun."

Kisame looked behind him only for Kola to have merged back into the ground.

She emerged from the side of a wall. "Du nun."

He looked back, but she wasn't anywhere to be found.

Kola appeared on the other wall. "Du nun du nun du nun du nun."

Kola disappeared again only to reappear on the ceiling when he wasn't looking. "DU NUN!"

Kisame's eye twitched. He looked back only to find the same exact results as all the other times, no one.

Kola jumped onto his back, just barely touching Samehada when she yelled, "Look out! It's Jaws!"

Itachi, who had seen what had been going on, caught up to Kisame, "Kola, get off of him."

Kola looked back at Itachi, still latched onto Kisame, "Hi, Stalker!" Kola jumped off of Kisame to walk besides Itachi, "So how's the sex with my sister?"

"None of your business."

As scary as Kola could possibly make herself seem with just how she talked, Kola stated, "I've seen the marks."

Itachi narrowed his eyes.

In her normal tone of voice, Kola said, "See ya, Stalker!" before skipping off to the Meeting Room without a care in the world.

* * *

Muki, who happened to be paying attention to and adding onto the topics in the meeting, glanced at Itachi and Haiku from time to time.

In the middle of the event, Haiku face planted the table and Itachi who was sitting across from her slumped in his spot, propping his head up with the back of his hand. Both had identical blushes on their faces. The only difference between the two was that currently, Haiku was unconscious while Itachi was just barely managing to stay awake.

Kola poked at Haiku. "Are you ok? Haiku? Haiku? Don't tell me you're dead!"

Pein stopped in his tracks. A dead silence washed over those in the room.

Madara's fist slammed into the table, leaving cracks where he hit it.

"Kukuku." Muki's big brown eyes gleamed into Madara's sharingan eyes, "Looks like they figured out how to do that on their own. Kukuku."

Madara's chakra spiked in his rage and he stood up from his spot, fists even more tightly clenched.

"Remember when we used to do that all the time in those boring meetings or when we had company so we couldn't screw then and there?"

Itachi, who had straightened out when Madara had attacked the helpless table, fell backwards, passing out onto the floor.

"Kukuku. Looks like this was their first time using the Tsukuyomi to their own advantages in ways no one outside of the Uchiha Clan usually expects. Kukukukuku."

Dark chakra rolled off of Madara like waves. Most of the Akatsuki escaped out the door while it was still safe, many hiding in places that would be considered unexpected or leaving the base all together. They didn't want to get caught in the attack.

Madara picked up Itachi's limp body by the collar of his shirt, fist pulled back for the punch.

"Madara-kun, put your son-in-law down."

Madara glared at Itachi, reluctant to put him down.

"You know what will happen if you don't."

Madara let go of Itachi with a thud.

"Zetsu-san, get Stalker!" Kola declared as Madara began leaving the room with Muki. Kola picked up Haiku and raced to Itachi's room.

* * *

Madara was looking through some old important documents and contracts belonging to Muki when he came upon their wedding contract, document 666. Separating it from the rest of the other papers, his eyes grew wide; a cold shiver went down his spine. The ink on the document was growing runny as the contract weakened.

* * *

…_and have a stable foundation of reproduction…_

* * *

How long did she know? Madara inwardly screamed and pulled at his hair, she could leave him whenever she wanted. They were no longer bound together by the contract. It could be broken whenever she chose.

Madara did his best to stay calm. Putting back the contract where he found it, he looked around for Muki, doing his best to not portray and panic. It's not like he could lose her forever.

When Madara found Muki, she was carrying a suitcase that possessed all of her belongings, including many of the things that they shared and considered possessions of both of them such as the chessboard.

"Where do you think you're going?" Madara smoothly questioned.

"I'm leaving you."

"What?"

"I'm leaving you. I found someone even better than you in every single way. He's bigger than you too." Muki looked up at him with a smirk. "I'll never see you again, Incompetent Ass. There's nothing you can do to make me stay."

* * *

Madara put the various contracts and other items in which he wanted to keep safe into a scroll that he put in one of the pouches he was carrying. He didn't want anything to happen to them.

* * *

Haiku woke up lying next to Itachi. Stretching out, she headed to the kitchen for something small to eat when Kola bumped into her.

"There you are, munch much! Have you heard the news?"

"What is it?"

"Muki left Madara."

"She's just messing around again, right?"

"She seemed pretty serious. Last I checked, she was thinking about getting a job and finding a new place to live."

"Where is she?"

"For now, the Mist Village. She could be anywhere there, so you might as well ride a dragon."

"Thanks, Kola. Please keep an eye out on Dad. I don't want him doing anything too rash."

"Marshmallow?"

"No thanks."

Haiku raced to the entrance of the base.

* * *

Haiku barged into the Mist Village's hot springs, fully clothed to not see any signs of Muki. She rushed back out and climbed up some tall buildings to scan from above. After a good hour of searching, Haiku found Muki at the edge of town, sitting in what looked like a comfortable chair, watching the clouds float by.

"Mom, we got to get back to the base."

"What for?"

"Dad might go crazy with you not being there."

"Sit down."

Haiku complied. "Please, we need to go back."

"Why should I?"

"You two love each other. Don't leave him."

Muki reached over, pulling the side of Haiku's shirt at the neck over to reveal a still red mark. "That's one of his favorite spots too."

Haiku readjusted her shirt. "Mom, why do you have to do this to him?"

"I have my reasons."

"Is there any way I can get you to go back?"

"No."

"Who was this person you spoke of?"

Muki reached into her suitcase, pulling out a little stuffed doll of Hashirama that was probably about six inches high. "Kukuku. We're going to get married."

"Have you gone crazy?"

* * *

A light blue crane flew into the living room in pursuit of Itachi and Kola. As it flew upward to see over the couch, a black paw swatted at it. The crane tried to flee only for its attacker to pounce on it, devouring it in one big bite.

The cat curled back on the couch; tail hiding her face as she drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Dark aura filling the bedroom, the sound of a scythe being sharpened reverberated off the walls as the man gave it quick swipes across the edge of what lay in his lap. Setting the sharpening stone down besides him, he picked up the weapon, his metal fan with the freshly sharpened scythe. His grip tightened before forcing himself to loosen it.

She left him.

She was never coming back.

If only a single grandchild had been born… Muki couldn't have left. The contract would have been in effect.

His dark chakra spiked even more.

It was Itachi's fault.

The door slammed behind him.

* * *

Sonya's cat ears perked up as she heard footsteps approaching. Looking over the armrest, she spotted Madara with the intent to kill. As much as she wasn't a coward, she didn't want to get killed by him.

He passed by her without as so much as a second glance.

Regardless, Sonya ran out of the room, still in cat form. Using Shadow Clones, she split up, assigning one to each Akatsuki to notify.

Due to never seeing Madara as angry and about to blow up with rage, she figured it would be a good thing if the Akatsuki evacuated just in case. There was no idea what would happen.

As so much as curiosity killed the cat… Sonya wasn't curious at this point. She was too busy to try and make sure that she'd be able to get out of the way of the pissed off Uchiha.

* * *

Itachi spotted Haiku's second in command and a small piece of her army that she left behind flying as quickly as they could towards the exit. Itachi began to follow them, only to see them backtrack, going the way towards the kitchen instead.

Itachi peered around the corner where they had clearly avoided even though it led to the only exit, other than if one would want to try and use a window to slide out of, to see Madara heading his way.

Sonya told him what little she knew about Madara's current state of mind, but he had the sinking feeling in his gut that Madara was going to kill him this time.

Hurrying to the kitchen, he found the crane army trying to open up a window without much luck. Moving aside, the cranes allowed Itachi to open the window for them to flee into the forest. Looking back, he saw Madara enter, his eyes narrowing at the younger Uchiha.

The scythe came right at Itachi, but luckily, he was able to slip out of the window in time to avoid it.

Knowing the fan wouldn't fit through the window, Madara headed towards the exit on the other side of the labyrinth.

* * *

Itachi carefully planned out his next moves such as where he was to go when he heard the opening of the entrance to the base with his specially trained ears. Suddenly, the mountain started trembling, a bright light of molten lava shot up into the air. Itachi focused on it until he discovered, Madara was riding this thing and it wasn't just anything. It was Magma.

The mountain that with Itachi's reasoning must have been a dormant volcano erupted. In the distance, Madara stood on his dragon, giving an evil chuckle.

Itachi was about to dart into the forest when he suddenly stopped dead in his tracts. Slowly, he looked back at the still open window.

The katana.

Itachi bit at his lip, if he was caught, he'd have to try and slip his way out or face death, but if he left that katana inside of the base and Haiku found out it got destroyed in a volcanic eruption, instead, she might kill him. Maybe she'd have mercy on him for it being destroyed by her father.

Reasoning that his room wasn't that far from the kitchen, he jumped in the kitchen, sliding on the floor in a solid stance. Summoning two shadow clones to help him maneuver in case if Madara reentered the base or if lava somehow got in.

He shoved the door open, pulling out a scroll in which to use to hold items for him, he shoved the black comforter and the big red blanket underneath it that Haiku really liked especially when they… um… yeah… Itachi snapped out of a mental image of what happened last time he screwed Haiku in bed and grabbed various things of importance to put in the scroll. Finishing up with the items in the scroll including the katana he had originally went to get, he shoved the scroll in his back pouch.

"Itachi-san, the base is being invaded."

Itachi's eyes narrowed, "By what?"

"Lava."

"Where is it up to now?"

"It's already filled up Orochimaru's room and is halfway from there to the kitchen."

Itachi rushed out of the room, joined by his two clones on their way back to the base.

"A little faster or we won't make it in time." The clone to Itachi's left bluntly stated.

Itachi and his clones spotted the lava on the same stretch of hallway as they were on. Speeding up as much as they could, they just barely beat the invader into the kitchen and then one by one, out of the window.

Once outside, the three Itachi darted into the forest, well aware of the magma coming out of various locations on the mountain. The two clones disappeared with a poof of smoke. Molten rocks sitting where they had once been. Alarmed, Itachi raced up the nearest tree, jumping from tree to tree as quickly as he could. He had to escape, for his brother and for Haiku.

He had to live.

* * *

"Mom, why don't you want to be with Dad anymore?" Haiku questioned.

Muki stared at a point over the ridge. "You might want to save your Ass from _The _Ass."

Haiku watched the flicker of light from an advancing forest fire. Quickly, Haiku summoned Flame, jumping onto his back as they headed towards the destruction.

* * *

Itachi stood at the top of a single tree, taller than most of the others that had been around him. Now he was completely surrounded and Madara along with Magma controlled the lava, pushing more out of the ground and forcing it in new directions. A thick stream of molten rock rose up from the ground with Magma flying up in the opposite direction of it in order to control it in an unnatural direction.

Itachi looked up at the looming danger, watching it about to drop directly on top of him.

Itachi never figured this would be his demise.

Suddenly, arms wrapped around him, curly hair brushing up against his arms right as the magma was about to fall on top of him. Itachi closed his eyes, expecting to feel even more heat as the lava burned away his flesh and bones.

* * *

Cold air brushed up against his face as the arms let him go on a rather large branch. Looking behind him, he spotted Kola grinning at him. "What happened?"

"Zetsu-san! Lookie at who I saved!"

Zetsu looked at Itachi through the opened sliding door from a table The Book on it. "Good job. **Haiku will be happy you saved him.**"

"Where are we?" Itachi questioned.

Kola looked back at him and recited, "Kolima and Hakuno's Tree: 19th floor: Study."

"Thank you, Kola."

"No problem, Stalker!"

Zetsu looked up from The Book. "**Kola, you may want to inform your sister that Itachi's here**."

"I'll be back." Kola disappeared.

Itachi came inside, sitting next to Zetsu who was currently without his cloak and his shell for that matter. He was simply wearing the standard issue Akatsuki pants and a loose gray shirt similar to Itachi's, but with a wider opening for the neck, thus exposing more of his shoulders.

"Do you know why Madara was after me?" Itachi questioned Zetsu.

"**It's linked to Muki leaving him.** That's all we really know."

Itachi looked out the window, watching a pleasant breeze rustle the leaves. It seemed too peaceful here.

* * *

**Author's Note: As many of you may be wondering, I got the title and inspiration for this chapter and what Madara did with Magma from Disney's animation of Stravinsky's composition, Firebird. It appeared on one of Disney's Fantasia DVDs. I quite like listening to it. Poor Itachi, Madara was just trying to kill him slowly and have fun doing it.**


	5. Muki's Mission: Find Employment

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life**

** Chapter 5: Muki's Mission: Find Employment**

* * *

The one walking around in a white shirt with the usual gray pants caught the attention of many in the Mist for the briefest of moments. Why one would might as? The simple answer would be that they had seen this curly haired woman wandering around the village so many times, they more or less got used to her presence.

It's not like they didn't know who she was.

Confidently, she entered the store that was located nearest the opening of the village gates. "I would like a job here."

"I'll have to decline, Lady Sotaki. There's another shop around the corner that may be interested."

"Thank you for the advice." Muki left the building. As soon as she left through the door, the person she had been talking to gave a sigh of relief.

* * *

The woman dropped her papers at the sight of the curly haired woman walking in through the open doorway. "Lady Sotaki, what are you doing in my family business?" The woman was terrified to say the least.

Muki calmly picked up the dropped papers, offering them to the woman before her. "I would like a job."

"But you're Lady Sotaki. What will your husband, a former Misukage think of this?"

Muki gave the woman a charming smile, "He won't know."

"Please forgive me, Lady Sotaki, but I cannot offer you a job here."

"Why not?"

"Well… You're Lady Sotaki. And… and your husband will… I'm sorry, but there are no jobs available."

Muki pointed at the sign in the window.

"Um… We forgot to take it down."

A man appeared, obviously her husband, the owner of the store. He whispered in her ear. She whispered back quickly which caused the man's face to go pale.

"It was put up a few hours ago." A smirk appeared on Muki's face, "Would you like to meet my husband?"

The two paled even more. The woman answered, "You're hired. Please, there's no need to bring Lord Uchiha into this." The woman got on her hands and knees before Muki. "It would be a great honor to have you as an employee in our business."

"When do I start?"

The husband hurriedly replied, "In a few weeks from now."

"How about this week?" Muki looked up at the man, growing annoyed at his height.

The man ran to the office.

"But Lady Sotaki, this is your paid vacation." The woman protested. "It'll be over in three weeks."

The man returned offering her money. "Lady Sotaki, don't show up until your vacation is over."

* * *

Muki counted up the money she was given from her new job while in the hotel room. From the news she overheard, the people owning the store she had gotten her job at decided on moving to a small town around seventy miles away to set their business back up over there. They had apparently decided on that within a few hours after she was hired.

Looking out the window in which she had glanced out of for a few days now. It was only after she obtained a stable job did she decide on getting the hotel room to begin with. It wasn't as if she didn't have the money to do so, it was more like she'd just rather get a stable income first that way she didn't have to dig into her savings.

Muki frowned; she had forgotten how much was even saved up.

But first… she needed to get into the organization and find a new job.

* * *

"Itachi, just because my father's out to get you doesn't mean it's the end of the world."

"He was trying to drag out my death and make it more enjoyable to himself." Itachi replied.

"He won't kill you."

"He wants to and it's not like your mother is here to stop him."

"You're safe when you're with me."

"For how long?"

"Itachi, things could be worse. After all, Dad can't get into this area."

"How could things be worse? Madara Uchiha wants to kill me."

"You could be raped every night."

"It depends on who it is. If it was you… it wouldn't be rape."

"You know who I'm talking about, right?"

Itachi stared at her impassively.

"Are you blind?"

"No."

"How can you not notice Kola's practically raping Zetsu at every chance she gets?"

"He didn't complain much."

"It's because it's Kola. She starts guilt tripping him if he refuses."

"Then ignore it."

"Itachi, it's Kola. Sometimes, you can't just ignore her or distract her when she has her mind set on something."

"Not from what I've seen."

"Kola's wanted children for as long as I've known her and now that she knows how, she's not going to just give up or get veered off the path even if it means raping Zetsu constantly."

"He doesn't seem to oppose much."

Haiku rested her head on the table. "I really do feel bad for Zetsu, after all, he has to deal with my sister."

"Hn."

* * *

Muki smelt the shampoo bottle to make sure she wasn't mistaken. "Hm… It's different than the Ass's." Muki smirked.

"Are you sure you don't want us to send it back in exchange for the one you originally ordered?" The worker questioned.

"This will do." Muki smiled. "Good bye. Kukuku."

* * *

"What was your name, miss?"

"Muki."

"Are you sure you'd like to work here?"

"Yes."

"Hm… Come back tomorrow for your first day of work. I have an idea what you'll wear."

Muki turned away from the owner, watching the silk robes flowing by. The colors inside of the building had originally drawn her attention and apparently whatever this job was, it was in need of new workers. Muki smiled as she left. It was a good thing they didn't know who she was. The owner seemed to be somewhat new to the village.

Pulling out some papers, she headed towards the Misukage's Office due to that being in the general direction of where the organization supposedly held its meetings. By utilizing some of her alliances, she was able to secure a position inside of it.

* * *

Muki showed up at her new job, half expecting to be given the clothing that all the other women present wore, only to be handed a uniform. Muki looked up expectantly at her boss.

"I moved here a few years ago, but what I found interesting was how similar you looked to the great general and wife to the Misukage, Madara Uchiha, and so I had this tailored for you."

Muki looked back down at the replica of her old uniform. Muki smirked, "I like it."

"Go put it on. It won't be long until someone chooses you. If you are unsure of what to do, ask one of your coworkers." With that, the boss left the room.

Pleased by how comfortably the uniform fit, Muki went up to one of the women who wasn't doing anything in particular. "So what am I supposed to do?"

She looked over at Muki. "Wait until someone chooses you and do whatever they want. If they like you, you'll be sure that they'll come see you again."

Muki thought over what she was told.

"Men are really going to like that uniform. The ones with uniform fetishes anyway."

"Ah. So what kind of business is this?"

The woman looked a bit surprised. "You don't know what kind of job you got?"

"No." Muki didn't look the slightest bit bothered.

Muki received a worried look. "This is a brothel."

"Ok. It's something to do."

The woman cleared her throat. "Looks like you have a customer."

Muki looked behind her, seeing the tall man with dark, long hair, eyes blazing in the lighting. Glancing at the one she was talking to, "Let the boss know I quit."

"Why?" The woman asked.

"What are you doing here?" Madara questioned.

"I could ask the same about you." Muki retorted.

Madara reached out to her, "You're coming back home."

Muki glanced at the woman she was with. "Bye." With that, she turned invisible and quickly fled, doing her best to lose Madara.

* * *

"Madara really made a mess this time." Haiku sighed, looking across the mountainside, completely bare of all plants.

With her hair pulled out of her face with a blue bandana tied onto her head, Kola poked the ground with a long, smooth, lightly colored walking stick. "It's good soil."

"How are we going to fix the forest? It's not like we have anything to work with." Haiku let her mind wander back to how Itachi was doing and if he was still safe in the Terra Clan's land.

Kola reached into a pouch she tied onto her hip, pulling out a mixture of seeds and scattering them on the ground as she walked around. "Like this."

"And wait for the trees to grow back?"

Kola stopped her movements, blinking a few times at her sister. "Wait?"

"Yes, wait. It takes sometimes around fifty years for some forests to grow back to a shell of their former self."

"We have to wait?"

"Yes. It takes a while to grow, even with seeds."

Kola tucked her stick under her armpit; Kola performed a few hand signs, transferring her chakra into the jutsu. "No wait."

Haiku jumped back as a tree spouted where she originally stood, racing up to the sky along with the other trees. Bushes pulled up along with the variety of other plants that had originally been in the forest before being burned down. "Kola, how'd you do that?"

"I got the seeds of every plant that had been growing here."

"And then?"

"Spread them out, munch much." Kola looked worried by all the questions.

"How did you make them all grow to the heights the forest had?"

Kola blinked a few more times. "Jutsu."

"Why is it similar to Hashirama Senju's Mokuton?"

"Um…"

"Kola, tell me."

"I can't."

Haiku frowned. "Why can't you?"

"It's a secret!"

"I was adopted into your clan… Like hell it's a secret!"

Kola pouted. "Do I really have to tell?"

"Yes."

"It's a variation."

"How'd you get ahold of it?"

"The clan."

"Then how'd Hashirama get it?"

"His clan?"

Haiku crossed her arms. "What are you not telling me?"

"NOTHING!"

"KOLA!" Haiku chased down her sister.

* * *

Not being careful whatsoever in the hotel room, Muki hacked off strand after strand of her own curly locks, not even using a shadow clone to do it for her. Being certain no one would notice her now; she headed off to the bathroom to use the new shampoo. It would make her smell different than the Ass and it would make her even harder to find.

Hopefully.

Muki started the bath, being sure the new clothing she had picked up shortly after escaping from Madara.

* * *

"Now that no one can overhear us, Kola, tell me." Haiku sat around the table where Zetsu had sat all day, reading through various materials and generally enjoying the atmosphere.

Kola tilted her head to one side. "Tell you what?"

"Kola, you know what. Now tell me."

Zetsu merged into the room, sitting down in the same spot as he had been earlier. "**What are you trying to get out of her?**"

"She won't tell me how she was able to grow back a forest and how Hashirama can do so also."

"Senju?" Zetsu questioned.

"Yes." Haiku replied.

"**Shall I tell her?**" Zetsu asked Kola.

Kola pouted. "Does she really have to know?"

"She's your sister and apart of this clan."

"But Itachi's listening!" Kola whined.

Itachi walked down the stairs. "Hn? I was just getting something to drink." Itachi approached the three, "Is there something I should hear?"

"NO!" Kola yelled.

Frowning, Itachi turned around and headed downstairs, being sure he stayed close enough to eavesdrop without being caught too easily. After all, he was getting curious.

Haiku sighed, "Are you going to tell me now?"

Zetsu started, "The Terra Clan and the Senju Clan used to be one clan. **We used to be the Senju Clan.** A rift occurred and the two clans split up. **One was the warring part that wanted to use our skills as ninja to conquer while the other was more peaceful and wanted to learn.** The peaceful one split from the warring one and changed the name that way it wouldn't get mixed up with the aggressive one. **We became known as the Terra; Terra referring to earth.**" Zetsu looked out the window, seeing a robin pecking at some of the birdseed he left out there earlier.

"Contact between the two groups became scarcer and a barrier was put up to seclude the clan's homeland from any possible invasion from neighboring clans, wishing to conquer. **Our land disappeared off the maps and soon, our part of the clan and its territory became myth.**" Zetsu paused. "Medical advancements within the clan soon led to the discovery of immortality, a secret well kept within the Terra. While the Senju fought and its members died one by one with offspring taking the places of the deceased, we stayed alive and kept learning as much as we could about every topic we could think of. **The book that you've grown so familiar to is composed of everything our clan has discovered.**"

"Then how'd the clan become legend?"

"A secret leaked out, the name of the clan and only hints of our immortality, but not how we managed such a feat." Zetsu paused. "People tried finding us, hoping we'd tell them what we knew, but we remained hidden among other ninja, concealing the true clan name."

"Hashirama seems to be one of the more peaceful ones who would have been better off in the Terra Clan." Haiku stated. "Then after meeting Dad, I bet he would have thought it more worthwhile to be in the Senju Clan."

"**There are those who would have been on the other side if given a choice, but it's out of hand who ends up where. Hashirama would have fit the peaceful side better just like Nikku would have been in the warring side of the clan.**" Zetsu explained.

"Kola, this is what you didn't want me to know?"

"Yup! I liked showing up with my tree in random places that way rumors would continue!" Kola admitted. "I like hearing what people have to say about our clan."

"How was the giant tree associated with the Terra?" Haiku asked Zetsu.

"That's a long story…" Zetsu sighed.

* * *

"Full name?"

Muki looked up at the longhaired ninja standing before her. She was so tempted to grab onto the hair to get the ninja down to her height. "Kun Sotaki."

"Sotaki? Where are you from?"

"I was born a long way away from here. I heard about the problem that this organization was trying to deal with and so I decided I wanted to help with your cause."

"The meeting's being held in the first room to your left."

"Thank you." Muki headed off, content with her fake name. But deep down inside, she wondered how Kun was in the afterlife. She couldn't help but admit to herself that she still missed the Dick.

* * *

Madara glared at the one behind his daughter. He could feel himself reaching for that kunai hiding in his sleeve.

"Dad, you need to stop this."

Madara raised an eyebrow.

"Stop trying to kill Itachi!"

"I'm not _trying_ to kill Itachi. If I was, he'd be dead already."

Haiku death glared her father. "If you kill _my husband_, I'll **never** forgive you."

"You'll get over it."

"How much do you want to bet?"

"You'll be happy to get rid of him. I'll be doing you a favor."

"Don't harm him."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because I love him."

Madara raged. "Why him?"

"Why not Itachi?"

"He's not worthy of you!"

"If you harm him, you're harming me. Keep that in mind, Father."

Madara clenched his fists.

"Itachi, we should get going." Haiku looked back at her father. "Mom's still in the Mist Village."

* * *

"We can't afford to be on the defensive for much longer. If we keep this up, the last of our Jinchuriki will be captured."

"Then what would you suggest doing?" Muki questioned one of the Kages.

"We must gather up our remaining Jinchuriki and wipe the Akatsuki off the face of the earth."

"How would you do that? Wouldn't you need to know exactly where the Akatsuki are?"

"We already know the location."

"Where would that be?"

"In the land between the Sand Village and the Leaf Village."

"How can you be so sure?"

Another Kage protested. "No, the Akatsuki were found in the land near the Waterfall Village."

"They had to be hiding around the Village Hidden in the Clouds." Yet another person protested.

More mumblings continued on.

"By the looks of it, the location of the Akatsuki isn't known." Muki smirked. "You better rethink your tactics."

"What would you do?"

"Figure out exactly what I'm up against, find out my fighting force and then plan out effective strategies to use against the opponent."

"You're going to help us?"

"Yes. In return, you'll need to provide me with as much information as you can."

"Why so much information?"

"I need to know what I'm up against."

Another member of the organization questioned her, "What would you like us to find out first?"

"The files on each Jinchuriki. Be sure to include were they reside, which village they're loyal to, last known location, which tailed beast they possess, appearance, skill level, personal abilities, both in battle and in everyday life and anything else you'd think would be useful for now. Information on their squad members would also be handy." Muki inwardly smiled. This would be fun.

"Kun, where exactly were you where you're from?"

Muki looked over, about ready to answer when another member answered for her. "She's the best general from where she's from. She came here to help us get rid of the Akatsuki."

"Why would that help her?"

Muki answered. "The Akatsuki pose a threat to my home country. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Besides, it's best to take them out before they can get all of their potential power and fighting force."

The one who had answered for her bowed, "Thank you, Kun Sotaki, for helping us in these matters. If there's anything you need, don't be afraid to ask."

* * *

**Author's Note: Who knew Muki would get a job without knowing what it even was? Poor Madara, always worrying about Muki, but how many people think Zetsu's in an even worse situation. After all, he has to deal with Kola. Which this leads to a very interesting question, who would you rather be in the shoes of, Madara or Zetsu?**

**Thanks for all the support and reviews. I'm glad there's people out there that like the stories that I keep dragging on and on.  
**


	6. The End

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life**

**Chapter 6: The End

* * *

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**Author's Note: Thanks for the support and reviews. It's greatly appreciated.**

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"I heard you saw Muki yesterday. Did Madara?"

Haiku looked up at the ceiling while the two lay in bed. "He's been trying to hunt her down. She complained about having to quit fifteen jobs already because he keeps finding her."

"Is he still after me?" Itachi questioned.

"I don't think so. We can probably stay with the other Akatsuki members in the base near the Rain Village."

"How long are they staying there?"

"Until Pein decides on moving us to a different base. They'll probably be staying there for a while."

"Are you going there?"

"I think so. Aren't you coming?"

"I have a mission with Kisame tomorrow."

"What kind of mission is it?"

Itachi chose that minute to kiss her. "I'll miss you." Itachi mumbled against her lips.

"I always miss you when we're apart." Haiku gave him a suspicious look. "So what's the mission?"

"It's complicated. We have to do a lot of things."

"I have the time. Why don't you explain?"

"Can't."

"Why not?"

Itachi breathed against her ear. "I want to fuck you."

"Get off me." Haiku demanded.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm taking Mom's advice."

Itachi stiffened. "On what?"

"I'm seeing a doctor in the Rain Village."

"You're what?"

"Itachi. I'm not dating him, nor do I have a relationship with him."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I haven't been feeling well lately. The doctor should be able to figure everything out."

"Why not ask Kola or Zetsu?"

"I don't want to ask Zetsu and Kola wouldn't be a reliable source."

"She's good at healing. Why wouldn't she?"

"There's still some things she doesn't know about and I have a feeling this is one of those things."

"Are you going to be ok?"

"I was going to ask you to come with me." Haiku glared over at Itachi.

"I have a mission." Itachi replied.

"Bullshit. Pein said he'd give you a few days off after your mission to fully rest due to the difficulty."

"Haiku, calm down."

"Then stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying." Itachi replied. "Why would I lie to my wife?"

"You tell me."

"Why are you going to a doctor?"

"What are you hiding from me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I can tell you're lying!"

"I love you."

Haiku softened her glare, anger subsiding. "I love you." Wrapping her arms around him, she got comfortable and tried to get some sleep.

* * *

Itachi woke up early in the morning, careful to not wake Haiku. Once he was completely ready to go, he couldn't help but kiss her sleeping form before racing out of the Terra's Land.

* * *

Feeling lonely, Madara hauled himself out of the small mattress that served as his bed in the replacement base and wandered around until he ended up in the still cool air. Seeing the sun starting to rise, Madara spotted a little bug sitting on the branch of a tree. Climbing up, he picked up the green praying mantis and let it sit in his palm.

Looking at it, tears welded up in his eyes. "Muki."

The praying mantis looked up at him as if nothing was wrong.

Madara picked it up once again and set it on top of his hair, suddenly feeling it crawling into his hair to hide, he ignored its present location and wiped his face off in case if anyone found him.

* * *

Haiku dragged herself out of bed, looking longingly back at the warm bed and silently wishing Itachi was still there.

Kola raced down the stairs, suddenly halting in mid-step. "HAIKU!"

"What?"

"You need to exercise more. You're obviously eating too many dangos with Itachi. It's a surprise he's so skinny!"

"KOLA!"

Zetsu slowly came down the stairs in a robe. "It's hard to believe she's so energetic already."

"What'd she do?"

"**Us.**"

Haiku blinked a few times. "Why do you put up with this?"

"It's Kola." Zetsu replied.

"Itachi left on a mission this morning."

Zetsu stiffened.

"What is it?"

"**Nothing.**" Zetsu managed to go a little faster down the stairs.

Haiku followed him. "Zetsu, what are you hiding?"

"It's nothing."

"What's Itachi planning?"

"**Ask him yourself.**"

"Zetsu. Don't tell me everyone else knows about this mission."

"Only a few know of it." Zetsu replied. "Do you have a mission today?"

"No."

Zetsu, giving up on trying to out walk Haiku, merged into the stairs.

* * *

A village member spotted a dark shape lying in the middle of a park. Curious, the person ran over to where it was. Not being able to resist poking the man with dark hair and clothes, a praying mantis suddenly crawled out of the hair, jumping and attacking the invader. Freaking out by the sudden attack of this bug, he ran around as fast as he could, trying to get it off.

Madara opened his eyes. Not finding the presence of his new friend, he panicked only to spot it on the random person. Feeling as if the newcomer was trying to take Muki away from him, he jumped the newcomer, beating him until he was satisfied and had his praying mantis back.

The invader lay twitching on the ground as Madara walked off with the attacker.

"Itachi's ok, right?" Flame questioned as soon as he was summoned.

"He's fine."

"Good. I'm glad to hear he wasn't killed by Madara and Father."

"Same here."

"How'd he escape?"

"Kola teleported him out of danger."

"That's good. So where are we going?"

"Rain Village."

"Why that far?"

"The base being occupied right now is over there."

"Are we teleporting?"

"No. Please be careful to not catch attention on the way there."

Haiku climbed onto Flame; lying with her back against his scales that way she could watch the clouds float past.

"Comfortable?"

"Yes." Haiku paused. "So how's the family doing?"

"Good. Mom was angry at Dad, but she should forgive him when I come back home."

"Why?"

"She likes Itachi."

"Ah."

* * *

"Sonya, I need you to teach me the Mind Transfer Jutsu."

Sonya fiddled with the bell hanging on her straw hat. "What's in it for me?"

"You're still assigned to sleep in Sasori's room. I can make it so that way you don't have to share a room with him. You could share one with Deidara."

"How about getting me a room all to myself next to Deidara's that way I won't have to go far to see him?"

"I can make it happen."

Sonya gave her a skeptical look. "And a week of no missions."

"Ok. Anything else?"

"How can you do this?"

"I have my ways."

"Ok then. How can I trust you'll do this for me?"

"I'll get it done by the end of the day if you teach me the jutsu now."

"You're not going to take control of the royal pain are you?"

Muki blinked a few times. "Why would I need to do that?"

Itachi sat in the stone chair, waiting for his brother to show up in approximately two hours. Kisame knew what was going on and was currently standing guard.

Itachi frowned. He didn't tell Haiku what he had planned. Sure he didn't tell her when he planned out every single time they should mate to get a child for the span of a year if she didn't get pregnant by then, but that was different.

If everything ended how he planned, she'd never see him again.

He wondered how much she'd miss him once he was gone.

He had planned out everything perfectly, but he was really questioning if his plans to make Haiku pregnant were off a little bit, just enough to fail. It seemed as if he wasn't able to carry out their end of the contract after all.

It was a shame.

It wasn't like he'd want her to raise a child by herself that didn't know who it's father was, but it was his duty to impregnate Haiku so that way Muki would be happy. She wanted grandchildren after all.

Yes, that was what it was. It wasn't that he grew to really enjoy screwing her and loved it every time he discovered he had the excuse to do so. Not at all.

Itachi sighed.

He'd never see Haiku again.

No longer see her smile.

Would Madara be happy he was going to die or angry that his death wasn't going to be at the hands of the Uchiha's Founder?

* * *

"_Stop squirming." Itachi remembered telling Haiku. He could feel her pale skin underneath his long fingers._

"_What are you doing?" Itachi paused. Itachi internally smiled. "Stop trying to take the blindfold off."_

"_You put on instead and see how I feel!"_

"_Just trust me."_

"_To do what?"_

"_Haiku." Itachi breathed. "Relax." Itachi remembered this memory well. How she relaxed at his request._

"_Can I take it off?"_

"_Not the blindfold."_

"_What are you doing?"_

_Itachi smirked._

"_Itachi?"_

_Holding her still, Itachi forced himself inside her with one quick motion._

* * *

Itachi opened his eyes, not pleased by his body's reactions to the memory. He glared down at his problem.

The world seemed to be falling apart. Since when did he glare at what personal difficulties he needed to deal with?

Itachi sighed, knowing he needed to get to work on getting rid of his problem. He still had quite a while to wait though. If only Haiku were here…

* * *

Madara watched the young man closely after the he had insisted that he needed to talk to Madara.

"Madara-kun, you need to keep a close eye on the safety of our son."

Madara narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Our son?"

"Incompetent Ass!"

"Muki?" Madara blinked in disbelief. "What are you doing?"

"I needed to talk to you." Muki stated.

"Why won't you come back to me?" The praying mantis poked its head out of Madara's locks on the top of his head to look down at the young man before deciding it wasn't of great importance and going back into hiding.

"Kukukukuku."

Madara grabbed the arm of the one who Muki was in control of and pulling her into a deep kiss.

At that moment, Muki released the jutsu, her spirit going back to her own body and control of the body she was borrowing went back to the original person. Madara didn't happen to know this change had occurred after all; it wasn't like Muki told him she was leaving.

Madara was suddenly pushed away by the freaking out individual. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Madara looked absentmindedly at the person before him, shrugging off the fact it was Hidan's body that had been used. He could always release some anger on Hidan just like he and Muki used to do and erase Hidan's mind afterwards.

But then again… It would be more entertaining watching Hidan suffer.

Haiku sat down in the waiting room, doing her best to make sure her sharingan didn't activate due to aggravation from everyone staring at her. It was even harder to not glare at them or send a few kunai at their unexpecting faces. She tapped her fingers rhythmically on the armrest, growing more and more annoyed at every minute passing by.

"Kukuku. Impatient are we?" Muki sat next to her daughter. "Why must we wait?"

"Everyone else is and it wouldn't be right to just jump to the top of the waiting list."

Muki whispered into Haiku's ear so quietly that only Haiku could hear it. "Your Ass is at the Uchiha Stronghold."

"Why?"

"His _mission_."

"Do you know what it is?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"No."

Muki frowned. "You'll hear about it eventually."

"What is it?"

"You'll see."

* * *

Itachi sat back down in the stone seat.

There was no way he could have told Haiku. If he did, then he wouldn't be able to carry out with his mission. Not counting if Haiku were to try and stop him from carrying out his plans, but he wouldn't be able to force himself to finish what he started. He knew he wouldn't be able to make himself die at the hands of his dear little brother.

* * *

"Mom, are you going to come back with me to the base?" Haiku asked Muki after they left the doctor's office.

"No. The Ass will find me." Muki suggested. "You might want to get some rest. Go lay down and possibly get something to eat. Don't let yourself get too hungry."

"Yes, Mom."

* * *

Madara watched his praying mantis out in the grass as it interacted with another praying mantis. He watched in complete boredom as the two started mating.

Suddenly Madara gasped.

His praying mantis bit off the head of the other one.

"Muki!" Madara started sobbing, "Why couldn't you bite my head off so I wouldn't have to suffer? Why Muki? Why?"

* * *

Itachi smiled one last time as he felt himself losing control of his body.

So this was what it felt like to die.

Itachi watched Sasuke as he fell forward.

Goodbye life.

Goodbye Sasuke.

Goodbye all that was ever dear to him.

Hopefully Haiku would remember he always loved her.

Goodbye… Haiku.

* * *

Zetsu picked up Itachi's body right when Kola teleported in front of him. She tilted her head to one side. "Is Stalker really dead?"

"**Yes.**"

"Really? He's coming back, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's coming back to life."

"**Kola, he's not immortal…**"

"Stalker's dead, dead? Why can he be dead?" Tears ran down Kola's cheeks. "Haiku's going to be depressed now, even after the great news. That's the truth, munch much."

"Kola, don't cry. He wanted to die."

"But Haiku!"

"**She'll be fine after a while.**"

Kola sniffed. "Are you sure?"

Zetsu hesitated. "Yes."

Kola quickly wiped her face off, "Ghostie wants you to move the body in that place where she's at right this minute."

"Where?"

"You know. I don't know what to call it." Kola wiped off her face again.

"**It might be best to let someone else tell Haiku about Itachi.**" Zetsu recommended. "Let Muki know I'm coming."

"Ok." With hunched shoulders, Kola teleported back to where Muki was located.

* * *

"Hey, Kola. Do you know how Itachi's mission's going?" Haiku questioned Kola in the kitchen.

"…Really well."

"Is there something wrong?"

"I was thinking about what it would be like to sleep on a bed made of solid chocolate. With giant marshmallow pillows!"

Haiku smiled. "Whatever you say, Kola."

"Where are you going?"

"To Dad's new room." Haiku started heading off in that direction.

"Haiku!"

Haiku stopped, looking back at Kola. "What?"

"I need to… uh… fart!"

Haiku frowned. "Why do I need to know?"

"ZETSU!" When she got no reply, she merged into the ground in pursuit of him.

Shrugging her shoulders, she headed to her father's near empty room.

* * *

"Itachi was a very honorable man." Madara stated when Haiku entered the room. "You don't know much about him do you?"

Sasuke stared at Madara's swirled mask.

"Itachi was indeed a very talented ninja who rarely lost a battle if at all any."

"Why do you keep talking as if he was no longer around?" Haiku questioned.

"He was the prodigy of the Uchiha Clan." Madara suddenly got smacked in the back of the head.

"What are you insinuating?"

Madara acknowledged his daughter. "Itachi _is_ no longer around."

"He was on a mission."

"It was a self appointed mission that he created for himself."

"What are you talking about?"

"He succeeded in what he wanted in the end."

"What would that be?"

Haiku smacked Madara again to get his attention. "Why do you keep ignoring me? What was his goal?"

"He didn't tell you? He wanted to die at the hands of Sasuke."

Haiku was silent.

"He couldn't live knowing that he killed his clan and so he wanted you to kill him, Sasuke."

"Dad? He's… dead?" Haiku questioned, tears beginning to build up on the surface of her eyes.

Madara looked back at his daughter. "Yes. And good riddance."

Haiku fell to her knees, crying her eyes out.

Madara got up and patted her on the shoulder. "Haiku, it's for the best that he's gone."

"No it's not!" Haiku snapped.

"Why not?"

Haiku looked up at Madara with a defiant look, tears staining her face. "I'm pregnant with _his _twins!" Haiku jumped to her feet, running as fast as she could to her new room.

"WHAT?" Madara's temper rose to the extremes. If Itachi wasn't already dead, he swore he would have skinned that man alive for making his daughter this upset. Good riddance with that weasel!

* * *

**Author's Note: What'd you think of the chapter? Sure it has Madara going a little crazy and what Muki would see as great news, but why Itachi-san?**


	7. The Measurements

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life **

**Chapter 7: The Measurements

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**Author's Note: Time goes on and I sure am happy I could finally update. It was very nice finding all of the reviews I got on the last chapter and it sure did brighten my day right before I got this chapter prepared to go up. Thanks for the ongoing support.  
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Madara stared down the table filled with Akatsuki members before darkly questioning those present, "Where's Haiku?"

Silence fell upon the room.

Madara's eyes slimed down even further. "Where is she?"

"Haiku's in her room." Kola finally answered, stabbing her food as if trying to get rid of her unease.

"Why isn't she here?"

"She said she's not hungry."

"Has she eaten?"

"_Maybe._" Kola looked worried.

"You tried giving her food, _right_?"

"She threw it back at me!" Kola exclaimed.

"Why isn't she eating?"

"You try and make her! She's being all emo!"

Zetsu interrupted Kola, "Your sister isn't 'emo.'"

"I expect you to go see her after dinner and try again." Madara glared over at Kola.

"Why don't you do it? She's _your_ daughter!"

"I have important matters to attend to." Madara excused himself from the dinner table.

* * *

"Kola, change my gender."

"But Ghostie, I can't make you a man!"

"Why not?"

"There's not much I can do."

Muki narrowed her eyes. "Make me taller too."

"Even if I added on a few inches, you're so short, it wouldn't be noticeable."

Muki glared up at Kola. 'If Kola wasn't the way I got most of my information on Haiku…'

"You have a flat chest and I don't know what I can do to make you more like a guy."

"Find a way."

"I'd give you a penis, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"According to Zetsu, babies grow in the vagina and I wouldn't know what to do with the baby. I was told it was impossible for a man to be a mother."

"I'm pregnant?"

Kola tilted her head to one side. "That's what that word was?"

"You don't need give me a gender change. Just make me look more like a man."

"I'll do it for now, but I'll have to change you back eventually due to the baby."

"Then do it."

* * *

Madara looked through a crowd of people all coming home from work for the day. Unfortunately, he couldn't find Muki within that crowd.

Muki walked along with the crowd, Madara's figure catching her attention. Wanting to slip away undetected, she temporarily went invisible and then rushed into a teahouse where she made her appearance known again.

Madara suddenly realized there was someone missing in the crowd. Quickly accounting for those in the group, he was able to recall what the missing person looked like. He then ran around in pursuit of the person missing.

He put his hand on the shoulder of the one who disappeared from the crowd. Looking at the person with brown, short hair, he stated, "Found you."

The figure turned around to look him in the eye.

Madara realized this flat chested, young man was too tall to be Muki. "Sorry. I thought you were someone else." With that, Madara left the teahouse.

Muki watched as Madara politely excused himself from the building. With a smirk on her face, she held back her laughter. He had found her, only to decide it wasn't her after all.

* * *

Muki headed back to the hotel only to hide behind a corner when she overheard a small group of people mention Madara's name.

"Madara's a complete moron. He's a weakling I swear!"

The person suddenly found himself hit with a metal pole. The holder of it suddenly growled, "Madara, I want you now." The person was then beat to death by the man with short, brown hair while those with him could only watch in horror.

Muki looked up at those remaining with a look of blood lust as her victims blood dripped off her face. Those with the now dead person quickly fled from the crazy person.

* * *

Madara watched Kola the following morning bringing a bowl of breakfast into Haiku's room.

With the door still open Kola suddenly screamed, "She looks like she wants to kill me and then bathe in my blood!"

Madara peered into the room, seeing Haiku death glaring Kola who had just dropped the bowl. Using quick reflexes, Madara caught it in midair; happy he was able to save the contents.

Kola hid behind Madara, "She'll go back to normal soon, munch much?"

"Are you afraid of her?" Madara coolly asked the wavy haired woman behind him.

"Only when she gives me _that_ look."

Using a casual pace, Madara walked into the room with the breakfast, towards Haiku who sat in the dark in the middle of the bed. "Haiku, you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry." Haiku growled.

"You need to eat something." Madara growled back. "What about your twins?"

Haiku death glared Madara. "I'm not hungry."

"It's time to get over Itachi."

Haiku's eyes suddenly glowed red in the darkness, "Then get over Mom leaving you."

Madara's eyes activated, "I will never get over Muki leaving! She didn't run off to die!"

"That's because she's immortal!"

"You're going to eat your breakfast and you're going to like it!"

"I'm not touching that pathetic excuse for food."

"You don't want those twins you're carrying to die of starvation do you?"

"Why do you care? You didn't even want me to be with Itachi, let alone have kids!"

"I'm your father! If I tell you to eat, you're going to eat!"

Kola quietly snuck off to hunt down Zetsu.

"If you were my father, you would've at least tried to stop him from getting killed!" Haiku yelled back.

"Either way, you'd still be having mood swings!"

"It's not my fault I'm pregnant!"

"It's Itachi's fault! If you didn't get married to him in the first place, you wouldn't be in this position!"

"Then you hate Itachi and want him dead! If Itachi didn't succeed at getting killed by Sasuke, you would have killed him yourself!"

"I'd only be helping you!"

"The only way you'd be able to help me now is to have somehow prevented Itachi from dying and leaving me here with his twins." Haiku crossed her arms.

Madara smirked in the dark. 'So she's calming down a bit.' "You need to eat or else you're going to end up with two dead twins."

"I'm not eating that."

"Then what do you want to eat?"

"Watermelon."

"Watermelon?"

"Yes. Watermelon."

Madara sighed and left to go hunt down some watermelon.

* * *

Kola confronted Madara when he left Haiku's room with a smirk on his face. "How'd you do that munch much?"

"I've had practice with Muki."

"_Oh_."

"Let me know if you can't get her to eat. Ask her for what she wants to eat or else she won't want to eat it."

"And if she wants something, but once I've brought it to her, she no longer wants it?"

"Then bring whatever she's now in the mood for."

"Why can't Itachi do this? He's her husband."

"He's dead and I'm trying to get Muki back."

"Is it because she's pregnant?"

"What?"

"You didn't know?"

"Where is she?"

"Oops. Uh, you didn't hear that from me."

"Where is she?"

"Messing around with a corpse again."

"What is she doing?"

"I don't know." Kola quickly teleported before she mentioned something she thought Madara already knew, but didn't.

* * *

Muki finished writing down the measurement when Kola teleported into the room. "What is it?"

"Madara."

"The Ass?"

"Hm… The Ass is coming! The Ass is coming!" Kola collapsed into a fit of giggles.

"Then change my appearance back before he gets here."

Kola controlled herself. "Right away, Ghostie!"

* * *

Madara entered the slightly cold room where he found Muki wrapped up in a scarf, taking down some more notes.

"Muki, what are you doing here?"

"Making measurements."

"Is this a full body exam?"

"Yes. Just like the one I did on you."

"What? Why him?"

"He's your son and the Little Princess's Ass."

"The exam isn't necessary on a corpse."

"He's still the husband of our daughter and your son."

"When were you planning on telling me your were pregnant?"

"From where did you hear that?"

"A little bird told me." Madara said sarcastically.

"What kind of bird?"

"It doesn't matter."

"How's Haiku?"

"She wasn't eating. I got her to eat some watermelon just before I came here."

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"Just a feeling. The child's mine right?"

"You fathered the twins?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then you violated the contract."

Madara narrowed his eyes. "Not Haiku's twins, your twins. Back when you were pregnant with Haiku."

"Kukuku."

"Am I the one who got your pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Muki, you're coming back with me."

"No."

"_Muki_." A simple warning.

"Couch." A simple warning in return.

Madara narrowed his eyes. "_You_."

"What about me?"

* * *

Itachi opened his eyes for the first time in a while. He didn't know how long it had been, all he knew was it had been some time since his final battle with Sasuke.

"You're awake." Muki smiled at him.

"Didn't I die?"

"Yes."

"Am I dead?"

"No."

"Then why am I alive?"

"You're immortal."

"How?"

"Remember that apple Kola got you to eat some time ago?"

"Yes."

"That's how you're immortal."

"What are you doing?"

"Writing down some measurements." Muki grabbed his arm, taking a measuring tape around his bicep and then writing down the number.

Itachi sat up on the table, feeling the slick cloth blanket resting on his lower half of his body.

Muki referred back to her scroll she had been writing in. "Your sperm count is at-"

Itachi wondered what he was doing in this place.

"Your sperm count was at-"

Itachi looked over at her. "Why was the second number a lot bigger than the first?"

Muki pulled out a vial and showed it to him at a distance with a pleasant smile on her face. "The rest is right here."

"How did you get that?"

"It was easy." Muki replied, putting the vial away.

Itachi looked down and pulled the blanket back a little bit so that only he could see underneath it only to quickly pull it close to his well kept body. He was completely nude under that blanket.

"Don't worry, I've seen every part of you and have made precise measurements. For example…" Muki looked through the scroll. "You have a patch of four brown hairs behind you-"

Itachi interrupted her. "Why did you do this?"

"It's a thorough examination." Muki replied. "Your sperm count will be replenished on this upcoming Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. You're ability to impregnate Haiku will be higher on those days. As for Haiku, her days of being most able to conceive are today, tomorrow and the following day."

'I thought I was the only one keeping track of Haiku's menstrual cycle…' "What's today?"

"Tuesday." Muki rolled up the scroll. "I'm expecting you two to engage in sexual intercourse on those days."

"Where are my clothes?"

Muki got up, picked up his folded up clothing and tossed it to him.

"Thank you. How far away are we from where Haiku's at?"

"Keep going south and you should find the place in a few hours at a fast pace." Muki watched Itachi intently, "Aren't you going to put them on?"

Itachi stared impassively at Muki.

"Embarrassed? It's not like I haven't seen your dick."

Itachi's eye twitched.

"Madara's a little bigger. Are you sure you keep Haiku satisfied?"

Itachi twitched again. "Why are you comparing us?"

"Kukukukuku. You might want to get going before Haiku finds someone to replace you with."

Itachi waited for that minute in which Muki turned the other way to put some things away in order to quickly get changed. "I'm going now."

"Good luck." Muki watched Itachi leave at a fast pace. "Kukukukuku."

* * *

Itachi had received many stares as he maneuvered through the 'new' base, following the exact directions Kisame gave him to the room Haiku had been staying in. When he entered, the room was dark and he was half tempted to say no one was there with the exception of the glowing red eyes in the dark and the sad aura of whoever it was in the room. He flipped on the light switch.

"Itachi? Is that really you?" Haiku stared at him disbelievingly.

"Haiku?" Itachi approached Haiku who got off the bed and hugged him as soon as he got close enough.

"I've missed you so much! You're immortal right?"

"Apparently I am."

"Itachi, don't scare me like that ever again!"

Itachi felt her kiss him on the cheek before pulling him into another hug. There was just something a bit off with this picture.

Haiku suddenly pushed him back a little bit and held his cloak's collar at the base, shaking him back and forth out of anger. "How dare you leave me like this? You don't just get your wife pregnant with twins before running off to get killed by your little brother without telling her!"

Itachi just let himself be shaken. 'Did she say twins?'

"You're the father of my twins and did you expect me to raise them by myself? Do you know how depressed I've been without you?"

"I'm a father?"

"Of course you are! Did you really expect me to be disloyal? Did you really think I would have someone else's children?"

"I'm a father…"

Madara and Muki watched the entire scene play out, completely amused by how Haiku was first happy to see him and then to have a mood swing and display her displeasure of Itachi being gone.

Madara looked over at Muki for the first time. He pulled her into a deep kiss before she managed to slip out between his fingers once again. When he finally pulled back to get a good look at her, she got back a few yards and pulled out a summoning scroll only for Kola to appear. Smiling, Kola teleported Muki out of the base.

* * *

Itachi sat on the bed behind Haiku as he slowly rubbed her belly. "Are you sure you're full?"

"I have twins, not triplets. I'm full and I refuse to eat anymore right now."

Itachi rested his head on her shoulder. "We're going to be parents."

Haiku leaned back into his chest. "I haven't been able to sleep well at night without you. You better not run off again."

"I'm here to stay." Itachi paused. "Where's my little brother?"

"He's at another base with half of the Akatsuki members. Since some group is trying to hunt the Akatsuki down, we need to be extra careful when moving to new bases. I'll be one of the last few moving over there."

"That explains why it seems empty here."

"Do you care more about Sasuke than you do me?"

"Why would you say something like that?"

"I heard you smiled for him in your last moments of being alive. You never smiled for me. Not even on our wedding day or even when we 'made the baby.'"

Itachi sighed. "I've missed you. How far along are you?"

"Almost four months." Haiku grabbed Itachi's hand. "I'm not that fat. It's just barely noticeable now."

"I haven't called you fat."

"Kola does almost every day."

Itachi wrapped both arms around her, holding her dearly to his chest. "I just miss holding you. There's nothing wrong with me rubbing you. That's just where the children will be showing how much they've grown by how much of your belly sticks out."

Haiku narrowed her eyes. "Are you saying I'm going to get fat?"

"No, I'm saying you're carrying our twins and they're going to get big. It's ok if people think you've gained weight."

Haiku sighed. "I hate mood swings."

"Since you're not that far along… Do you want to, maybe…"

"Itachi, I'm pregnant."

"You could always…"

"Itachi, that better not be what I think it is."

Itachi smirked. "And if it is?"

"I'm not dealing with it."

"I haven't seen you for so long. You don't want to deprive me, do you?"

"You'll find out what the true meaning of deprivation is."

Itachi gulped. "You're looking beautiful tonight."

* * *

**Author's Note: Muki sure can be creepy at times. What would you think if you suddenly woke up on a table with a blanket covering you and Muki was doing that to you? I know I sure would freak out. It seems a bit random for Muki to get that vial and keep it. Any ideas why she'd want it? Then again, it's Muki and she could have things like that for good reasons or just to keep it just in case. For all we know, she could be wanting to grow test tube grandchildren.**


	8. Kola's Pets

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life**

**Chapter 8: Kola's Pets**

* * *

**Author's Note: Thanks again for all the reviews. It's nice to hear from all of you. All I got to say about this chapter is not only is it a bit funny, but Kola sure does get into too much trouble. Also, she's not the best at coming up with names.  
**

**blaze: I'm sorry to hear about your arm. Is it getting at least a little bit better? I cried so much when I saw Itachi die and I have for the next few times that I saw the episode... **

**xyangx2006: First Haiku's pregnant with twins and Muki's also pregnant. I found it hilarious about the 'Stranger Danger!' and it really made my day when I saw that.**

**CuttlefishShiz: Glad to hear you liked the chapter.**

**AnimeCrazed121: Muki can be extremely odd. I do believe Madara's had to go through the same thing at least once before. Muki's too thorough with those examinations, I swear.**

**Zetsu's Rose: I'm glad that the chapters are getting better. I hope that they will continue to do so.  
**

* * *

Kola peered into Haiku and Itachi's room. She tiptoed over to where the two lay and prodded at Haiku's belly.

Haiku opened her eyes, sharingan activating automatically at the sight of her annoyance for the last month. It had been about a month since Itachi came back.

Kola ignored Haiku's warning glare and continued to poke her. "Haiku, you've gotten even fatter! What's Itachi been feeding you lately?"

Haiku quickly snatched Kola's prodding finger. A look of pure hatred was plastered on the Uchiha as she looked straight in the eyes of her sister. "Kola, I'm not fat."

"But look right there! You've been gaining too much weight and not doing enough training and exercise. Maybe Itachi can help you lose some of those extra pounds." Kola looked down at her wrist that was beginning to bother her with the sense of pain as her wrist was beginning to be crushed. "You could easily lose oh… twenty pounds."

"Kola! I don't weight that much more!"

"Looks like it!" Kola said teasingly.

"Kola! I'm gonna kill you!"

"How are you going to do that? You can't catch me?" Kola stuck her tongue out at Haiku, not realizing that her wrist was still captured. She looked down with a hurt expression as she realized her wrist was now broken.

The Uchiha woman pulled Kola closer to her only for Itachi's secure arms to wrap around her and pry her fingers off of Kola. "Haiku, you need to relax." Itachi whispered in her ear.

Kola cradled her wrist. "ZETSU-SAN, SHE WANTS TO HURT ME!" Kola went running out of the room. Sadly enough, she looked more entertained than hurt about the whole matter.

Haiku glared over at her husband, sharingan still blazing in the dark.

Itachi met her gaze with his own sharingan gaze. He was calm and collective regardless of the fact that his hair stuck up on one side due to going to sleep with hair still wet from the shower. It made it rather difficult to take the man seriously when his bangs on one side was sticking up at such an odd angle.

"Itachi, why wouldn't you let me kill her?"

"She's your sister. She may deserve it, but you shouldn't do such things to her."

"It wouldn't matter. She's immortal."

"Are you feeling alright?"

Haiku frowned, "Why do you keep asking me at every opportunity you get?"

"I haven't been asking too often."

"But still." Haiku's sharingan deactivated shortly followed by Itachi's doing the same.

"I want to make sure my wife is in good health."

Haiku sighed, laying back down and trying to get comfortable, ignoring the fact that Itachi still hadn't let go of her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Itachi let go of her and got back into his previous sleeping position.

"Itachi?"

"Hn?"

"Have I really gained twenty pounds?"

"Not even close."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Why does it matter to you?"

"How would you like to be pregnant?"

"I'll pass."

"I thought so."

"You're doing well so far."

"Thanks."

"Are you tired?"

"Why?"

"Would you like to go to a tea house?"

"It's pretty early still. I don't know why Kola would be up."

"It would be cold still, but it would be peaceful. The stars are still out this morning."

"As long as it's not too far." Haiku sat up, looking over as Itachi pulled out of bed, perfectly awake and as lean as he had always been.

Itachi turned on the light, glancing over at his wife who had been watching him. "Is something wrong?"

"Why are you so skinny?"

Itachi blinked a few times.

"You've gotten to stay skinny while I'm gradually getting fat."

Itachi came back over to her, lifting her face with one hand, "It doesn't matter what you look like. You're still beautiful to me."

Haiku pulled him into a small kiss.

* * *

Sonya came to the entrance of the base near the Rain Village. Light filtered into the semi open doorway. Turning into a mouse, she squeezed through the opening and turned back to her human form while still in hiding.

"No, you're not getting them back. They're mine!"

Sonya snuck up on Kola talking to this man who obviously didn't speak the same language. Off in the distance she spotted an open crate and a few more people that were all wearing the same uniform as the one Kola was trying to communicate with. By the looks of it, they were transporting something…

The man reached towards one of the exotic animals clinging to Kola like a tree.

Kola smacked the hand away as if he had tried grabbing her chest. In actuality, one of the animals happened to be clinging to her chest, but that's beside the point.

The man looked frustrated. "_Why don't you understand? I have to deliver them to the zoo_."

Kola gave him a strange look. "What'd you say? I can't understand your dialect."

"_I need them back_."

"Go away. They're mine now." Kola motioned for him to go.

The man shook his head and pointed to one of the animals.

Kola stuck her tongue out at him and ran off with the best of her abilities since they made her bulky.

The man chased after her, but grew annoyed when she ran up a tree.

* * *

Pein watched the translator as they explained what the one who was still at the base of the tree Kola resided in. The one who didn't know how to speak the same language as everyone else was from somewhere called Australia and spoke a different language. This man had been transporting something called the Koala to a nearby zoo when the caravan decided to take a break and eat. The translator and the crew decided to stretch their legs while the man, who was currently waving his arms furiously at Kola, stayed with the cargo.

"Kola, give them back." Pein demanded.

"No! I'm saving them from the prison!"

"Kola, they don't belong to you."

"NOOOO!" Kola screamed as loudly as she could.

* * *

In the end, Kakuzu grumbled as he was instructed by Pein to pay for the creatures Kola 'saved' that were meant to go to a zoo.

The only reason why Pein gave in to Kola was the fact that her set of lungs was too strong for her own good.

He would have tried to get Haiku to deal with Kola, but she left the base with Itachi to some location or another.

He'd ask Zetsu where Haiku was or have Zetsu deal with Kola, but Zetsu was doing a favor for Kola by spying on Madara for Muki.

It could be questioned as to where Madara was, but only Zetsu knew.

Kola of course wouldn't tell where exactly Zetsu was since she was too busy screaming at the top of her lungs until she got it her way.

Pein had wondered where Itachi was since he was the one who ran off with Haiku and it was guessed Kisame knew where.

Kisame was off cleaning Samehada on his day off while enjoying the view of a lake.

Hidan said he knew where Kisame was, but since there was nothing in it for him, he simply said, 'Fuck off. Go ask Konan.'

Konan was asked if she knew were Kisame was, but she simply didn't know or else she'd tell Pein.

Kakuzu happened to be counting up the prize from a recent bounty and so Pein acquired his help after many orders and threats.

It even came to mind as to try and find Muki, but he didn't know her exact location. He thought she was off in the Mist Village, but even then, he didn't know for sure.

Now Pein was left with two options, somehow force the six koalas from Kola or pay for them.

If he somehow managed to force them away from her in order to return them, as he so desired, Kola would start to scream again and make everyone in the area temporarily go deaf.

…Unfortunately, he didn't know the tricks to make her stop…

* * *

Muki looked at Kola's fluffy, new friends. "I like them." She glanced over to Madara who was lounging on the couch. "Madara."

He looked over at her, impassively.

"If anything happens them, you'll be banished to the couch for a century."

Madara just stared before finally replying. "I'm not going to be a babysitter for a bunch of exotic animals."

"If any of the Akatsuki kill them, you'll be responsible."

Madara's gaze shifted towards Kola who just grinned.

* * *

Pein waited for the group to quiet down before speaking. "There are six exotic animals that Kola has adopted as her own as of this afternoon. If anyone kills any of them, the penalty will be death."

"Fuck that! I'll kill them all!"

"That includes you, Hidan. If you kill any one of them, you'll be killed over and over again."

Madara feigned a happy smile, "If you do, you will be killed, decapitated and your head will be stuck in that glass jar," Madara pointed across the room to the large, still full, pickle jar, "and you will be forced to watch your body decompose before your very eyes."

Itachi had a bored expression upon his face. "Leader, what do they look like?"

"You'll know when you see them."

Kola ran into the room with all six of them latched onto her. One sat upon the top of her head so it looked as if she was wearing a living, breathing hat. "I want everyone to meet my new friends! There's Koine, Kokanee, Kolo, Komatik, Kombu and Komodo."

Haiku questioned, "How did you get these?"

"I saved them from the awful prison where they were going to skin them alive!"

"…" Haiku blinked a few times. "How did you come up with those names? Do you even know what half those words mean?"

"No. You don't know very many of them either, so we're in the same boat, munch much."

"Where did you come across those words for names?"

"NOTHING!"

Zetsu pulled out a dictionary and handed it to Haiku. "She looked them up. **She wanted names that were close to hers and Koala in the dictionary.**"

"Her name's in the dictionary?"

"Kola Tree and Kola Nut."

"How long have you known about that Zetsu-san?"

"**Not until she told me what names she wanted to use.**"

Haiku sighed. "My sister never changes or ceases to amaze everyone else."

"Haiku! You're getting so fat!" Kola pointed at Haiku in a playful manner.

Haiku clenched her fist. "Kola, I'm not fat."

"Then why will you be getting stretch marks soon? Has Stalker-san been doing things to you that he shouldn't be?"

Kola ran down the hall as black flames pursued her closely behind, almost catching the back of her foot as she fled.

* * *

It was late at night when Hidan entered his pitch-black room. Turning on the light, he cringed at the sight. "Kola! Get these fucking koalas out of my fucking room!"

Kola didn't appear.

Hidan's hand squeezed the handle of his scythe, all too tempted to kill the furry beasts. It was only the thought about being stuck in a jar of pickle juice that stopped him from slaughtering the unsuspecting creatures.

He took a step forward only to inadvertently step on a pile of poop left behind by his new roommates.

* * *

Zetsu, hearing Hidan's ranting and screaming, sat up in bed and woke Kola up.

She looked innocently up at Zetsu as if she had done nothing wrong and was a perfect little angel. Of course, knowing and putting up with her for so long, Zetsu wasn't fooled for one second. "Zetsu-san? What is it?"

Zetsu blinked a few times. "Where did you put your new pets?"

"What pets?"

"The koalas."

Kola pouted. "Do I have to go get them? It's going to be a cold walk there."

"**Did you put them in Hidan's room?**"

"Why would you think that, Zetsu-san?"

"I heard Hidan."

"_Oh_."

"**You need to put them somewhere else so that way they can thrive on their own.**"

"But they're doing just fine in Hidan's room! They like him! That's the truth munch much."

"It doesn't sound like he likes them."

"So?"

"**Kola, go get them. **We can put them in our land in an area with their natural food supply. They can thrive there and produce young. **You'd probably like to see your friends with babies.**"

"They can have babies?"

"Yes."

"Ok! I'll bring them here and you can show me where to put them!" Kola rushed out of the room. It took a while Zetsu to realize she wasn't wearing anything again.

"Kola!"

"Zetsu-san! I'm the MOON!" Kola cheered as she started skipping down the hall.

Zetsu quickly put a robe on and merged into the ground in hot pursuit of her. He emerged a foot behind her and had to jump at her in order to catch her in time. Pulling out a pair of her underwear and a bra that he kept in a pocket in his robe just for these instances, he forcibly dressed her.

The only reason why he only brought that much clothing was because he could never manage to get anything else on her before she fled from him, he learned to stop carrying so much and be thankful that he could get what little he could actually get onto her.

* * *

"Now what, Zetsu-san?"

"Kola. **It's time to let them go.**"

"Are you sure?"

"**Yes**."

"Bye Koine. I'll miss you, Kokanee. See ya, Kolo. So long, Komatik. Be good, Kombu. I won't forget you either Komodo." Kola faked wiping tears off her face.

"We should be heading back."

"Where will they go now?"

"**Wherever they want to go.**"

"Can I visit them soon?"

"As so long as you leave them here. This is their home now."

"Ok, Zetsu-san."

* * *

It was a dark, stormy night in the Rain Village when the cloaked figure darted from here to there, from covered point to covered point, trying to keep out of the rain as much as possible. The person pulled back the hood on the traveling cloak.

A rather large Hissing Cockroach pulled back slightly, hissing at the curly haired woman who picked it up regardless. Just by how the woman was holding it, it could never escape without her consent.

"I'm gonna name you Hissy!" Kola declared before putting back on the hood and pulling her hands back into the dry confines of the semi long sleeves.

* * *

Kola snuck around the base, making her way unnoticed into the base. It was in the middle of the night and her cloak that she had so carelessly discarded into her and Zetsu's room was dripping noisily on the bathroom

Zetsu, who had just returned from his long day of spying on various villages for the past week straight had climbed into bed after taking a shower and fell asleep just like that. He too was unaware of Kola's presence with her new little pet.

How long had it been since she brought something home?

Two weeks.

After this, everyone would have much preferred the six koalas to the single Hissing Cockroach that had unknowingly to Kola was female and to top it all off, recently mated.

If it isn't already known to most already, cockroaches can live and even thrive through harsh conditions such as the various poisons targeted at them that might perhaps… fail. Cockroaches are not only such persistent and prolific little creatures, but the female cockroaches outnumber the males. Once hitting adulthood, a female cockroach only needs to mate with a male cockroach of the same species once in order to produce all of the offspring it will end up creating by time it dies.

Unfortunately, Kola didn't realize such things.

Nor did she thing about future circumstances. Not like she usually did anyways…

Hidan's door creaked open.

The Jashin follower lay sleeping on his surprisingly clean bed.

Kola snuck in, leaving the door wide open for her quick escape. She patted the cockroach on the head before setting it down on Hidan's pillow, about a few inches away from his face as he lay on his side. The four-inch cockroach stayed where it was set.

Kola quickly and quietly left the room, shutting the door with a small click.

Hidan, sensing something staring at him, opened his eyes to see the hissing cockroach suddenly rear up and hiss at him. He fell out of bed, onto the hard, cold floor, staring at the hissing cockroach that stared at him in response. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

* * *

**Author's Note: Will Hissy be able to escape from Hidan? Will Hissy be a mother? Will Hissy become a Jashin follower? Will her children become Jashin followers? What will Hidan do with the defenseless Hissy? Can they ever be together without complications such as one wanting to kill the other? Will they fall in love?**

**PS. As you can probably tell, I had fun with the author's note. Thanks for reading and possibly reviewing.**


	9. Infestation

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3: The Married Life**

** Chapter 9: Infestation**

* * *

It had been three long months since Hissy had narrowly escaped Hidan's scythe. And having been three months later, everyone now knew of Hissy's presence at once point in time. No one knew where Hissy was now, but her children where everywhere…

Pein sat at in his office, at his desk to be more precise, and was currently writing a report that was to go in his files, back at his village. Most had stayed at the base near the Rain Village, but there were some exceptions such as Sasuke and his little team who were lingering around at various points at the map, trying to avoid someone with the name of Sakura. He was also told of the Nine-tailed Jinchuriki who was also traveling with Sakura and some various other ninja of various ranks in which he didn't care about that would be beneficial in capturing another jinchuriki.

A hissing cockroach scurried across his desk, stopping half way to rear up and hiss at him.

Pein looked down at it before flicking it across the room and into the wall. It got up and scurried away after hissing one more time at him to let him know it was angry and he would see it again very soon.

Pein drummed his fingers on the desk, one hand clutching at his orange, spiky hair. This situation was getting very ridiculous. Hadn't he told Kakuzu to find someone to pay to get rid of them all? Even if the person had to die afterwards for knowing about the base. As so long as it was someone who knew what they were doing and was of the Rain Village.

Then again, he could always have Konan bring one of his men, one of his loyal supporters who know how to get rid of a good infestation to come in here. She could escort him in and have him do his job. To know that God, Pein, wanted him to do such a task would be an honor to this person and being escorted by God's Angel of all people would be something that this person would be so honored to do and would make sure the job would be done perfectly.

Yes…

It would work perfectly.

He jolted down his thoughts on a second paper before him with pen right before the cockroach he had flicked came back with reinforcements. He looked down at them, annoyed at their sheer arrogance to bring in thirty, four inch long, hissing cockroaches and expect to defeat him.

He rested his head on his hand and with the other, repelled the cockroaches, effectively pushing them out of his office and making a mess of his papers that he and Konan had organized earlier.

Where was Konan?

Pein got up from his desk to look for her when he heard a crunch. He looked down and felt his foot being raised up just the slightest. Moving his foot to the side, he saw a very angry cockroach that had been hiding all along underneath his desk. It scurried away before he could try to stab it with a metal rod.

In the next room, Pein found Konan pulling at her hair, trying to get them out. Her hair was disheveled and falling out of the bun by her fingers frantically trying to remove the cockroaches that hissed every time her fingers got close to one.

Pein suddenly felt bad, the cockroaches that had come after him and failed found Konan instead and had climbed up the walls and onto the ceiling that way they could drop onto her head. Konan really didn't like cockroaches. Before he could try to help her, Konan slid into all directions as pure white sheets of paper, cutting at the cockroaches with a fury of a bird who's nest got infested with fire ants. The cockroaches that had previously been in her hair slipped onto the floor.

Giving up, Konan, still in paper form fled out the room as many sailboats, making sure that none of the cockroaches had managed to keep on her.

Pein backed up out of the room, bumping into his other bodies, frantically trying to get rid of cockroaches. The infestation was a lot larger than he had originally thought.

The one in charge of summoning shook at her sleeves, trying to get them to fall out. Only a few at a time would actually come out, but it was better than nothing.

His robotic self slammed itself into the wall, not only trying to get rid of the cockroaches that were climbing on the walls, but to try and unlock its joints. It cringed as the smaller cockroaches that had invaded its robotic self invaded its head, through the neck. That Pein started smacking its head against the ground, trying to do whatever it took to get them out of its head.

The Pein in charge of jutsu and jutsu absorbing pulled one out of his long hair and came to the robotic Pein's help. Cracking him open, that Pein pulled each one out individually.

The first Pein smirked as the one who could revive the robotic Pein also came to the scene. Pein left, heading off to see if he could get Konan to find someone to get rid of the annoying Hissing Cockroaches.

* * *

There was a loud clang as Kisame swung at the cockroaches in the kitchen with Samehada. He chuckled as the single one that he managed to hit was ripped in two, killing the first one in the history of the Akatsuki, or at least from what he knew of. In actuality, he was the second one to be able to kill one and even then, the first death of the hissing cockroaches was actually dealt by the combined effort of two.

He had felt so proud when Samehada killed the first one. Hopefully no one will tell him of the others who managed it as well.

Kisame ran about the kitchen, killing all the cockroaches that he could, but of course they were getting smart about it and were purposely leading him towards the hallway where not only could he not get them as easily, but someone was coming up through there.

* * *

Hidan was running down the hall, careful to not step on any of the cockroaches because while in the hurry he was in, he might trip and fall. Someone would just have to be there to see it too. He just knew it. In fact, he was positive.

Right in the middle of his hurry, he didn't see Samehada until it was too late. His body fell to the ground directly after his head bounced off the floor.

"Fucking Kisame! I'm in a fucken hurry! Reattach me you fucking bastard!" The head ranted.

Kisame peered into the hall. "I might get Kakuzu and see if he'll do it." Kisame continued on his way.

Hidan looked over just as a large group of cockroaches formed, all heading towards him. "Get the fuck away!"

Some reared up and hissed at him while others continued closer.

"What the fuck are you fucken doing? Put me the fuck down!"

* * *

When Kisame came back a little while later with Kakuzu, he noticed the head was missing and the body was in the process of being stolen.

Kakuzu lifted up the headless Hidan and carried him off in the opposite direction to the dismay of the cockroaches.

* * *

"Itachi, why are there cockroaches in here?" Haiku asked, her hand clutching her belly.

"They appear to have infiltrated the entire base."

"Itachi, it's not sanitary to stay in a place filled by so many Hissing Cockroaches. They probably got into the food too."

"They haven't."

"I don't want our children to be growing up in such a place where there's a bunch of Hissing Cockroaches running around everywhere. They can carry all sorts of illnesses."

"Do you need to sit down? You look tired."

"I'm fine."

"I'll talk to Leader about it."

"Please don't leave me alone with them."

Itachi glanced back at his wife. "I won't." He quickly made a shadow clone that he sent to talk to Pein instead. He watched a cockroach walk up to him and hiss. He stomped on it.

He furrowed his eyebrows when the cockroach started lifting his foot up. Setting it off to the side, Itachi carefully watched the intruder.

It hissed at him once more and then started having a staring contest with the Uchiha. Itachi glared at it, but it seemed to be unaffected by it.

In an unexpected moment, Haiku looked over right as her husband hissed back at the cockroach, effectively scaring it. The cockroach quickly fled the room along with its buddies.

Haiku was about to ask her husband what that was all about when she had to hurry to the bathroom, once again.

Itachi sat down and sighed. His wife was now seven months along. He still couldn't believe that he, of all people, was now a father. Itachi secretly hoped that he would be a better father than his own father, Fugaku, had been. He swore to himself that he would never put the expectations of both himself and the clan on his children nor neglect his children like Fugaku did to Sasuke.

He would be the best father that he could be.

He'd teach them honor, something he questioned if Sasuke had after hearing that his foolish little brother had declared seeking revenge on the Leaf Village, respect, and good manners…

Itachi grimaced when he heard his wife throw up.

He would teach them all that he knew when the time came. He'd let them be whatever they wanted to be. He'd support them in their decisions. No one would be able to harm his children.

What would they wear? Where would they sleep? Would his and Kisame's project be done in time?

Hopefully.

Then the children wouldn't have to grow up around S-Ranked Ninja.

Itachi thought twice about it. Weren't he and Haiku S-Ranked Rouges?

Itachi sighed. He'd make sure they had a good upbringing and didn't get tangled up in revenge. He massaged his temples when he heard Haiku about ready to reenter the room when she quickly turned around and threw up.

His and Haiku's children would become honorable Uchiha.

He may have killed the clan, but now, he was reviving it.

Itachi got up and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Go away." Haiku started coughing.

Itachi went in anyway and put his hand up to her head. "We need to get you out of here." Itachi picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom.

"Itachi-kun, will the twins be alright?" Haiku sneezed into her arm.

"They'll be fine. I'm taking you to Kola."

"She's gonna call me fat again." Haiku fell asleep in Itachi's arms.

Itachi's clone met up with him. "Leader said he's trying to get everything fixed as we speak."

Itachi nodded his head.

"She sick?"

"She'll be fine. I'm taking her to Kola."

"Ok, Itachi-san." The clone walked with Itachi, being sure to get the door for the original Itachi.

"Thank you."

The clone disappeared with a poof of smoke.

The first thing Itachi noticed was cleanliness. The second thing he noticed was lack of cockroaches. The third thing he noticed was that a single, two inch cockroach scurrying across the room when what looked like a venus flytrap snatch the cockroach up and ate it with a reassuring crunch.

"Kola?"

Kola jumped off the bed that she had been jumping on like a little kid and ran up to him. "Yes, Stalker?"

"Haiku's sick."

Kola reached out to touch Haiku when she suddenly sneezed. Frowning she said, "Put her down on the bed."

Itachi did what was requested of him. "If circumstances were different, I wouldn't worry, but she's pregnant."

Kola gasped, "Stalker-san is worried about Haiku?"

"Yes."

Kola put her hand to Haiku's head. "Zetsu-san!"

Zetsu merged from the ground, next to one of the many venus flytraps. "Kola, you should heal her of her cold."

"Are you sure?"

"**Yes. We want to make sure that her twins will be safe from getting it as well.**"

"OK!" Kola's hands glowed a light blue as she carefully went through at fought off the cold. When she was done, she checked the children to make sure they were healthy. "Zetsu-san, why won't you give me a baby?" Kola pouted.

Zetsu sighed. "What about our children, the venus flytraps we worked together on genetically altering?"

Kola slid down to the ground and patted one of the many venus flytraps on the head. "They're so cute. Yes you are. Yes you are." Kola started baby talking the venus flytraps.

"Zetsu, are they the reason why there are no hissing cockroaches in here?"

"**Yes. We altered them so that way they'd eat cockroaches.** We have just enough to fill the base with them that way we can get rid of the infestation."

"When are you planning on doing so?"

"Very soon."

"Stalker, aren't they so cute? We bottle fed them blood when they were little and now look at them!"

Itachi twitched, "Blood?"

"Yes."

* * *

"My, my Kun Sotaki, you're gaining some weight there. You're not pregnant are you? Or are you just getting fat?"

Muki didn't even acknowledge her supposed ally trying to mock her. She was too busy trying to locate her Ass to pay attention to such silly matters.

"Stay on your toes, the member of the Akatsuki is near!" Someone called from a distance.

Muki spotted him on the battlefield before anyone else had and he was coming straight at her. Accessing her surroundings and possible advantages, she waited for him to be able to see her clearly before grabbing the one that had been mocking her and acted as if she was kissing him. In actuality, she didn't, but to Madara, she did and this person was going to die.

"Kukukukuku." Muki went off in the opposite direction knowing full well that the person she just made into Madara's target was running as fast as they could in the other.

* * *

"Report." The person heading the Anti-Akatsuki organization commanded.

"Pull your troops out while you still can. They're getting slaughtered out there."

The leader got up and quickly notified his higher ups to give the signal to pull back. "You're not looking all that good. Are you tired?"

"Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine."

"Very well. I hope you're getting all the information you need?"

"Yes I am. I'm working on a counter-attack as we speak. We'll prove to be a more difficult force to the Akatsuki than they think."

"You have my faith, Kun Sotaki."

Muki was about to leave the room when the food sitting on the leader's desk was finally too tempting to ignore. "Are you going to eat that?"

"You can have it. I thought you didn't like this kind of food."

"I've been trying all sorts of food since I've come here. It just looks so tasty and if you're not going to eat it…"

The leader pushed the plate of food to Muki. "Just bring the plate back."

"Thank you."

* * *

Kisame was sitting at a table when Muki showed up at the exact time their meeting was arranged. He sipped at his tea and pushed a plate of dangos towards her.

She sat down and picked up a dango, munching down one of the three balls off of the stick. "What's the news?"

"We had an infestation of hissing cockroaches, but that is being dealt with right now. They should all be gone in a few days, a week at most."

"And my daughter?"

"She's doing well. From what Itachi told me, the pregnancy is going perfectly and she should be due in about two more months."

"What does he think about being the father of twins?"

"It still seems to be a bit of a shock to him. He has a lot of plans for his family. He's going to take good care of them all." Kisame chuckled. "I imagine your husband found you?"

"I gave him the slip."

"And how's your pregnancy?"

"It's going fine. A lot of cravings." Muki picked up a second stick of dango.

Kisame smirked, "Don't eat them too fast."

"I heard about your little project with Itachi."

Kisame looked at her guardedly, "How do you know?"

"I have my ways." Muki paused to take another bite out of a dango. "I wanted to know what you think of it."

"I like working on it and I think it will turn out very well and for the purpose it was intended."

Muki smirked. "Kukukukuku. Very good. Kukuku."

"Why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to hear about it from your own lips. How much longer until it's done?"

"I don't know. It all depends on how much time we can set aside for it."

"Does Haiku know about it?"

"No. We're intending on keeping it quiet from all ears."

"Then no one will hear about it from me." Muki passed Kisame an envelope.

Kisame quietly took it, making sure that he concealed it before asking the person working at the teahouse for some more tea.

* * *

Kola crawled around, looking for some kind of hiding spot. It wasn't until she entered Hidan's room and found a hidden compartment that originally hid sacred weapons and had some kind of shrine for Jashin did Kola locate Hidan's head. Sitting there, among the weapons dedicated to Jashin was Hissy, some of her children bowing down to Hidan's head. Hidan looked at Kola almost pleadingly. She tilted her head to one side, "Why?"

Hidan's eyes widened. "Please get me the fuck out of here!"

Kola reached in and grabbed Hidan's head by the hair, dragging him away from the compartment. The cockroaches hissed with rage, but Kola set in his place, one of her little babies. She closed the compartment after promising her little one that she would be back shortly.

"Thank you." Hidan said. "I didn't think I was going to ever get the fuck out of there! How dare they fuck up my little shrine honoring the great Jashin?"

Kola started swinging Hidan's head back and forth as she skipped down the hallway, going towards Kakuzu's room where the rest of Hidan lay.

Author's Note: I originally wasn't going to end the chapter here, but it just seemed to be a good spot for it, Kola skipping off with Hidan's head in her hand as if it was a picnic basket. Kola happily skipping in a field of paper flowers, into the sunset. Sure that's not exactly what she's doing, but for all we know, it could be in her mind. Maybe she'll ask Zetsu to water all of those paper flowers, they're getting a little bit neglected. Who knows, maybe that's where Konan gets the flower for her hair, in her secret field of paper flowers.

* * *

**Sorry for the randomness, but I've gotten sick for the who knows how many times in the last two months and I'm beginning to question how it is that I'm coming up with half of this stuff. Its probably very amusing and so why complain? I dunno, the mental image of Kola skipping around with Hidan's head just seems to be a great mental image that most likely won't be leaving any time soon. Hope you've enjoyed the chapter as much as I enjoyed typing it.**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter: The Pyros**


	10. The Pyros

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3:**

**The Married Life **

**Chapter 10: The Pyros**

* * *

The last two months had been very interesting to say the least. First there was Hissy and then there were Hissy's children, the infestation caused by them. Thankfully everyone was accounted for afterwards since Kola was able to find Hidan's head and Kakuzu stitched him back together, but of course Kola was messing around and telling Hidan that the Hissing Cockroaches liked him.

Now it could be said that the base was finally cleaned out and completely rid of Hissing Cockroaches. The venus flytraps had been positioned all around the Rain Village that way they wouldn't die of starvation and had been doing very well at keeping the Hissing Cockroach population down. The people living in the Rain Village, just as they put up paper angels for good luck and honor 'God' and 'God's Angel', they prized the venus flytraps and made sure nothing bad happened to them. In fact, if they weren't getting very many cockroaches and someone happened to find one, they'd catch it and give it to a venus flytrap as a little snack. It was considered to give one who did such an act good luck.

To say the least, Kola and Zetsu's genetically altered flytrap babies are doing just fine.

Itachi, however, had become almost as distressed as Madara. Madara worried for Muki since she was away and was pregnant with their child and so of course he'd be _a_ _little bit_ more distressed than usual when she runs off to do all sorts of things. Only this time, she was gone **a lot** longer than usual.

Itachi was distressed for a different reason. That simply is, he's afraid to leave Haiku alone. He's afraid to let her walk to the Rain Village. He's even worried about her going to a teashop alone.

Why is he worried?

The twins are due any time now and Itachi, like any Uchiha man, is worried about the safety and welfare of his wife.

Who wouldn't be?

Itachi sipped some tea that he had quickly gotten at the teahouse nearby. He was relieved to find his wife perfectly fine. It was then that Itachi concluded that he was just worrying about nothing and everything would be just fine.

Yes, he'd be a father, a father to twins. In the clan, he remembered that when an Uchiha woman gave birth to twins, it was a sign of good luck because the clan would continue to thrive. He remembered holding Sasuke shortly after Mikoto had delivered him.

For an Uchiha woman to give birth to a stillborn was a bad omen of something to come.

Itachi gulped.

Everything would be fine. Everything would go smoothly. That was logic of the clan for its safety and continuation of the clan. His clan mates were very keen on breeding only within the clan, keeping the bloodline going and what they claimed 'pure'. Sure not all of his clan mates had parents who were both Uchiha, but it really didn't matter all that much, did it?

Far up the family line, Shisui had a Sotaki relative. Most in the Uchiha clan didn't have curly hair until the Sotaki and Uchiha clans collided. By collided, Itachi knew it was actually when Muki was married to Madara. Some Sotaki married Uchiha and some of those Sotaki had curly hair.

It just so happened that Shisui had one of those curly haired Sotaki members.

What would Shisui be doing right now? Would he be laughing at the whole matter? Itachi smiled at the thought of seeing Shisui smiling and laughing.

Those were the times…

"Itachi?" Haiku gasped.

Itachi quickly wiped the smile off of his face, knowing full well that no one saw it. He got up and rushed over to his wife's side. "What is it?"

She clutched her belly. "Ack! Get the doctor."

Itachi ran out of the room as fast as he could. On his way there, he bumped into Madara.

Madara raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"It's time."

Madara, knowing full well what Itachi meant, backtracked to the doctor that he had just spoken to.

* * *

Haiku watched as Itachi came running back into the room, followed by Madara who was carrying a doctor over his shoulder. Apparently Pein had assigned this to be the doctor since he knew and trusted this man for a very long time.

Muki suddenly and unexpectedly showed up along with Kola and Zetsu shortly after Haiku broke Itachi's hand from the pain of labor.

"Just breathe. You're doing fine. Just breathe." The doctor tried coaxing the woman.

"I am breathing!" Haiku screamed at him.

"Stay calm. Now push. Easy now, breath. Ok good, it's almost out."

Kola screamed even louder than Haiku. "Why'd you put that baby in there? Doctor, you got to save it! Haiku, you got to push!"

Haiku got quiet. It was at that point that Haiku and Kola more or less switched places. Although Haiku was the one giving birth, Kola was the one screaming her head off.

* * *

Relaxing on top of the clouds, speaking with a spiky haired teen with a long ponytail sat yet another Uchiha, only this one with short curly hair. He scooted forward that way he would be able to look down upon the world of the living and see his beloved friend who still lurked down below.

A mischievous grin crossed his face. "What happened to your celibacy now, Itachi-san? Hahahaha."

The one accompanying the one who was laughing up a storm raised an eyebrow, a look of concern crossing the pale man's face. "Shisui, Itachi wished to remain celibate? Why?"

"It's a long story, Izuna." The one who was referred to as Shisui laughed a little bit more, wiping the tears away from his face. "We were young and Itachi swore he would be too busy for such matters."

Izuna looked down upon his big brother, a smile crossing the man's features. "I love watching my brother and his family grow. Haiku was so cute when she was born."

Shisui half ignored Izuna's reminiscing, peering down to yell yet another message down to Itachi. "Never thought you'd have children, did you?"

"The two of you don't know about Uchiha Politics do you?" A mischievous look crossed his face, "It was all so fun back then. They say I was the best at it too. Too bad they don't practice it much anymore, not even when you were born, Shisui."

Shisui sat up, giving Izuna his full attention. "So what's so special about it?"

Izuna grinned. "It's nothing like that dull politics practiced nowadays. It's a lot more… interesting."

* * *

Itachi shuddered, he had that feeling as if someone was trying to tell him something, but that could always be his subconscious telling him that he should really try to pry his hand away from Haiku's grasp.

"Congratulation. It's a boy." The doctor handed Madara the child.

Itachi watched the boy suspiciously, "I was told there are twins."

"It'll come when it's ready." The doctor tried excusing himself from the room when the now loose hand suddenly gripped harder on his broken one.

Muki smiled. "So they haven't become cannibalistic after all. Kukuku."

Kola started screaming again. "How could you, Haiku! You shoved two up there? Come on, little one, you can make it! Haiku, push harder! You got to get that baby out NOW!"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO DO?" Haiku suddenly screeched.

Itachi cringed as his hand broke in yet another place. First Madara was breaking his bones and now it was his wife. Who'd be next?

* * *

Itachi left the room with everyone else. Apparently Muki and Madara wished to talk to him in private and Haiku was left in the room, exhausted and proudly holding two bundles that he now was to call his children. He and Haiku had yet to name them.

Madara had muttered under his breath as the second one was born, the girl, that he had a feeling that they would end up growing to be pyros. Itachi didn't doubt Madara's often very wise judgment, especially with children seeing how he loved training them.

Itachi glanced at Haiku one last time before finally leaving the room to speak with his parents-in-law, smirking at the sight of his wife giving him a weak smile right before he closed the door.

"What is it that you wished to speak to me about?" Itachi politely questioned, anxious to be back with his wife and… children.

Muki smiled all to innocently, "We wanted to wish you good luck on your path of fatherhood."

Itachi knew Muki was up to something, but what was it?

"They'll grow into healthy, young Uchiha children. They have a lot of potential and you better be a good father and a damn good husband." Madara growled.

"They are my children and this is my family; I will take care of them all." Itachi replied defensively.

Muki sat down and simply stated, "More."

"What?"

"I'm expecting more children from the two of you." Muki explained.

Itachi blinked a few times. "Haiku just delivered twins. Now isn't the time to be wanting more children from the two of us."

"That I know, but you will be giving Madara and I more grandchildren in the future."

"We have two children and it will be a while before such matters will even be brought up." Itachi explained.

"I'm giving you a heads up. When the time comes, you _will_ be giving me more grandchildren. You haven't fulfilled the contract until I decide so."

Itachi tried to remain calm, all to concerned for Haiku's well being, and yet Muki knew exactly how to push his buttons. "It will be a number of years before such demands are met."

"You may leave now." Muki informed Itachi. She waited for Itachi's footsteps to be far enough away before addressing Madara. "Your son impregnated your daughter and now they have twins." She looked up at Madara, displeased by how she could see up his nose. "How does this make you feel?"

Madara clenched his fists and yet he appeared to remain perfectly calm. "My daughter is happy so I shall be happy as well."

"Your son has done a great many things with your daughter, things that she would permit no one else to do, yet you seem to ignore such things. Incompetence. You make yourself think that she magically had children and yet you forget that she and Itachi have done things that you'd kill other men for even thinking about doing with our Little Princess." Muki smirked, knowing full well that she was getting to Madara. "So, Madara-kun… How many times do you think they mated?"

Madara's eyebrow twitched. He could feel his chakra flare. He needed to do his best to stay calm and…

"Yet you appear to be fine with your son being the one fucking our little Haiku."

Madara cracked his knuckles. He had always opposed to Itachi being anywhere near his daughter and yet through careful manipulation, it seems as if they were able to be drawn together, much to his dismay and Muki's pleasure.

Muki was _always_ up to something.

* * *

Itachi reentered the room Haiku had been in with a glass of cold water for her if she was thirsty. He had just finished the conversation with Muki and Madara and didn't want to come back to his wife empty handed.

His fingers pressed harder against the glass, threatening to break it, as he took in his surroundings. The sight disturbed him every slightly.

For starters, his wife was unconscious.

Secondly, their twins were nowhere to be seen.

The first thing he did was calmly set the glass down and go to Haiku's side, checking to see if she was still breathing and had a heart beat. The knowledge that she was still alive and just fine helped calm his frayed nerves, but the fact that his children in which he swore to himself that he would protect with his life if necessary were still missing was still to much to handle.

He created multiple shadow clones, keeping two at Haiku's side while he and the rest looked for the children, even notifying those that he trusted to keep a look out for them.

* * *

Madara's fist slammed into the wall, leaving a rather large indentation into the structure, cracks forming all around the spot and spreading out wildly.

"Incompetence." Muki muttered under her breath.

The orders to keep on the lookout and get ahold of the twins, alive, had just been sent around to each and every Akatsuki member residing in the base. Whoever stole the twins must have been really good, sneaky or just plain lucky to separate an Uchiha mother from her children, let alone the father.

Seeing how Muki demanded to have a private chat with both Itachi and Madara that occupied the younger Uchiha from his wife and children must have given the thief a big advantage.

For all they knew, it could be anyone.

* * *

Pein massaged his temples, mumbling half to himself. "It has only been half an hour after Haiku finished delivering and somehow, someone managed to sneak in here and steal them."

Konan stared outside of the tower in the middle of the Rain Village. "Do you think whoever did it took them here?"

"There hasn't been any unidentified people or animals coming into the village."

Konan watched the rain, continuing to fall with a soft pitter patter on the hard concrete. "Shall I search the village anyway?"

"No."

"What do you have in mind?"

"I'm not letting up the rain that way I can keep track of everything going on. Search the perimeter of the village, that way you won't get too wet. I'll send the other Pein with you as well."

* * *

"Why the fuck do we have to fucken find those Uchiha Brats?" Hidan ranted as he and Kakuzu walked through the forest surrounding the base.

Kakuzu ignored his partner and continued to search as Hidan continued to rant even louder to try and get his attention.

After a while, Kakuzu finally stated. "It takes all of my self control just to ignore you and yet only a few muscles to snap your neck."

Hidan stopped, looking at Kakuzu as if trying to determine if his partner was serious or not.

Kakuzu grimaced when his partner started ranting on and on once again, only this time about Jashin and how much Kakuzu was going to be punished for not believing in him.

* * *

Sonya rode on the back of Deidara's clay bird as they flew over the Rain Village, growing annoyed at every drop that hit her face.

She finally complained, "Why does it _always_ have to rain here?"

"You don't like the rain, un?"

"I don't like water." Sonya hissed as a rather large drop smacked her nose.

"Those children of Itachi's probably have the sharingan as well." Deidara mumbled.

"Not all Uchiha have the sharingan."

Deidara looked at Sonya hopefully. "How do you know?"

"I was raised in the Leaf. Remember? The Uchiha Clan that Itachi grew up in were there."

"Is it true he massacred his clan?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Just wanted to make sure it wasn't just a bunch of lies, un."

"_Right._" Sonya stared at the tower that lay in the center of the village. "It looks so odd."

"What?"

"That." Sonya pointed at it. "It'd look much better if you were to explode it."

Deidara sighed, "Leader forbid me from destroying his village." Deidara then frowned, "I'll have to find something else worthy of becoming my art."

* * *

Kisame watched Itachi enter each and every room of the base, doing a thorough search and not to mention frantic, as Kisame stood back and watched the Uchiha do all the work. Kisame glanced into the hallway as he could have sworn he heard a baby start to wail which appeared to start another baby to do the same.

Itachi quickly got up from his search under the bed and ran to the location, being quick and somehow careful at the same exact time.

Kisame ran towards Itachi, trying to keep up with the rapid footsteps of the one before him. Luckily, his legs were longer than Itachi's due to his height and he was able to somewhat keep up. Itachi practically never ran this quickly and Kisame had a hunch that the Uchiha would tire out quicker this way.

Kisame almost bumped into Itachi in his rush and just barely managed to slow down in time.

Itachi stood in the open doorway to the room in which both he and Kisame heard the babies, focusing chakra to his ears to try and figure out where the kidnapper had gone this time.

Kisame checked for chakra sources with Samehada, but for some odd reason, as soon as he did so, the faint signal disappeared completely.

Itachi looked back at Kisame. "Which direction was it going?"

"Might have been towards the Rain Village, but it was too far away to know for sure."

* * *

Sasori sat on top of a bridge while inside of his puppet, enjoying the nice view as he took a small break from his mission.

* * *

Madara waited on the couch in his room while he waited for Zetsu to meet him. He looked as if he was just fine, lazily lounging on the comfortable couch, but the truth was, he was actually fidgeting internally and wanted to kill something. The wall wasn't the only thing he wanted to punch. In fact, he wanted to possibly kill Itachi, but knowing that it wasn't his fault and unable to come up with a logical excuse for both his wife and daughter as to why he killed them for this event, Madara ignored it.

Zetsu finally merged into the room, shell opening up to reveal Madara's trusted spy. "Yes, Madara-sama?"

"Did you find them?"

"**We think we have.**"

"Where?"

"Rain Village."

"Who stole them?"

Zetsu smirked, "**Your previous hunch was correct. When we went to see what she was doing, she had them.**"

"Bring her back to the base. I'll notify the rest of the Akatsuki to call of the search." Madara waited for Zetsu to remerge with the ground before getting up.

* * *

"WAAAAHH!" Two voices intertwined in a loud protest from being separated from their mother while hungry. Of course, their captor didn't quite know that was the case. All she knew was that they were cute and she wanted to have them as her own.

The woman exited the candy store in the Rain Village and tried giving both twins a lollypop, completely shocked when both rejected it and started wailing even louder than before.

She sat down in a try spot, completely free from the rain as she had been doing ever since she came to the village and pulled out a bag of marshmallows that she had also bought along with the lollypops. Sticking one in her mouth, she grabbed another and tried giving it to one of the twins. Seeing that one reject it, she tried giving the same one to the other twin.

Surprised would be an understatement to tell what Kola was thinking. How could anyone, even the pure and innocent twins refuse the sacred marshmallow?

* * *

Kola showed up in front of the room in which Haiku resided, seeing Madara, Muki, Zetsu and Itachi accompanying her sister.

"Give them back." Zetsu calmly commanded.

"But I want them!"

"**They aren't yours.**"

Kola sniffed before handing them both to Haiku, who had woken up about three minutes prior to Kola's arrival. "Kola, you'll have children other than your flytrap children, someday." Haiku assured Kola.

* * *

Itachi waited for everyone to leave them alone and for Haiku to finish feeding the apparently very hungry children before bringing up a topic in which he had been thinking about for a while now. "What are we going to name them?"

"The older of the two, the boy, should be named Itach." Haiku stated, not leaving her gaze from the twins she was holding.

"Why name him after me? I'm not deserving to have such an honor or a family for that matter."

"His name's Itach." Haiku yawned. It had been a very long day for her indeed.

"And the girl?"

"Why don't you name her?"

"Chris."

"The names suit them well." Haiku got up and walked around the room with the two. It wasn't long before she handed one to Itachi so that way they could walk side by side until the twins fell asleep.

"Who's going to be their god-parents?"

"Is that really necessary?"

"If anything ever happens to us…" Itachi paused, thinking of Sasuke and how he would have been dead if it wasn't for that apple.

"Kisame Hoshigaki."

Itachi blinked a few times at her in surprise. "How about Kola, she really likes them."

"Zetsu would automatically become the god-father and did you really just suggest her?"

"Why not?"

"I wouldn't mind Zetsu, but… you haven't known Kola for as long as I have. It can't be one without the other and Kola isn't suitable for being a god-parent."

"Muki and Madara?"

Haiku laughed. "They don't need the same upbringing as I did. Besides, they're my parents and so they'd keep an eye out for them anyway. Aren't god-parents people who are close to you and aren't closely related if at all?"

"Not always."

"I think Kisame would be the best choice. He's been around you for how long and doesn't he see you like a little brother?"

"I'll let him know tomorrow."

Haiku set Chris down into the crib, kissing her daughter on the forehead before doing so. Itachi, doing the same, set Itach down in the same crib and made sure the two would have plenty of room. Luckily, Madara had given it to them a few weeks ago. It was supposedly Haiku's crib and it was rather large to say the least, but at least it would be comfortable.

Itachi crawled into bed shortly after Haiku did, wrapping an arm around her gut.

"Itachi-kun."

"Hn?"

"It feels so odd not having them with me."

"They're still here with us. They'll be safe."

"I hope you really mean that, seeing how they were kidnapped today. Then again, it was my sister and she would have gotten them either way."

"Why were you unconscious?"

"How would you like to have twins growing inside of you for almost nine months and then suddenly have to deliver them?"

"Good point."

"Madara said something about them being good with fire. Do you believe him?"

"Other than the fact that he has trained many Uchiha in his time?"

"Yes."

"They have a good set of lungs. I wouldn't doubt what he says. But Itachi."

"Hn?"

"Don't teach them fire jutsu until they're at least five."

"Why then?"

"I have a bad feeling about them and fire."

"Do you think it'll kill them?"

"No. They're most likely immortal as well. I just… its as if… I have a feeling they're going to start too many fires that we'll have to deal with."

"I know some water jutsu from Kisame if that helps at all."

Haiku sighed. "That's a bit of a relief."

Itachi sat up. "So Haiku…"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to-"

"No."

"But-"

"We have children now and we shouldn't be doing stuff like that in front of them."

"One, they're asleep and two, that's not what I was talking about."

"Then what was it?"

"I haven't eaten dinner."

"Do you want me to make dinner?"

"I wanted to know if you want me to get some dangos for us to share."

Haiku gave her husband a suspicious look.

* * *

**Author's Note: So how was it? Thank you for hoping I'd get well soon. I can only hope that I don't get yet another one, but so far, I'm in the clear, thank god. So now that the Pyros have been born, what will happen now? Why has Madara been against the two getting married? Any guesses why? If there are any experiences in which you'd like the children to learn about and/or experience in future chapters, please let me know. There will definitely be a lot more skipping forward that way it won't be a day by day of the children growing up because that would take a very, very long time to do. Thank you for your ongoing support. I wonder what the next chapter's going to be about…**


	11. Mischievousness

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

**Haiku & Kola 3: **

**The Married Life**

**Chapter 11: Mischievousness**

* * *

**Author's Note: *sigh* About time I was able to update! First Finals and now Summer Vacation. I hope I haven't worried everyone too terribly much. I'm still alive and writing once again. Hopefully the updates will be much, much faster. Reviews are very appreciated and all I got to say about this chapter is I think I made it too cute in some parts. Those parts will most likely be very obvious once you get to them. Suggestions for future chapters are welcome.**

* * *

Haiku was prodded awake by her husband, grumbling half into the pillow and reluctant to get up. "What?"

"They're hungry." Itachi informed her.

"You feed them." Haiku rolled over, not wanting to deal with the second official day of being a parent.

"How." It wasn't even a question, more of a statement in which to point out Haiku's error.

Haiku reluctantly sat up and looked over at the twins, staring at them from the crib. "How do you know? They're not complaining."

Itachi smirked. "Yet."

Both twins looked over at their parents with pleading eyes.

"Fine." Haiku sighed in defeat, dragging herself out of bed. It was then that she questioned for how long she would be breastfeeding the two.

"You make an excellent mother." Itachi complemented his wife as she climbed back into bed and tried to get some more sleep. She had stayed awake most of the night to make sure the twins were fine and taken care of.

"You're taking care of the diapers."

Itachi blinked a few times. "What?"

It was then that Madara decided to come in, not wanting to miss the priceless look on Itachi's face seeing how he had been secretly eavesdropping on the two for some time now. He chuckled, remembering all the times in which Muki got him to change Haiku's diapers. It was a risky job, but someone needed to do it.

Itachi regained his posture, "Good morning, Madara."

"You two are up bright and early." Madara smirked as his gaze rested on his daughter, trying to sleep. His gaze shifted towards the crib and he sauntered over, reaching down to pat each infant on the head.

"What are you doing here?" Haiku questioned from under the blankets. She then sat up as if giving up completely as to getting rest.

"Can't I see my daughter and grandchildren?" Madara gave the two an innocent look, which was met with skeptical looks from the newly made parents. He ignored the looks and picked up one. "So this is Itach."

Madara looked into the eyes of Itach, smiling at the young one until a line of drool rolled down the chubby little cheeks and dripped onto Madara's fingers. After all, the man had large hands and had been holding the child with partially outstretched arms, so it wasn't as if it got on his clothing or god forbid, his hair. Madara had gone through that enough with Haiku when she was little, except, she was after the hair and wouldn't stop until it was completely gone when she obtained teeth.

He set Itach back into the crib and wiped the drool off his hand on his pants, knowing full well that when around little kids, times tended to get a little messy and a little bit of drool was nothing compared to what it could be.

Madara reached for Chris, smirking at how she giggled when he did so. "And you are Chris." She grinned at him and reached out towards him as if wanting something. Just as when Haiku was little, he couldn't resist holding the little one closer to him, something he regretted once Chris got ahold of his hair. It wasn't until he pulled her back and set her back in the crib that she let go willingly.

"I'm beginning to think that they're going to be more like Haiku than I originally thought…" Madara mumbled to himself. Then again, it could always just be the fact that these were Uchiha babies. "No… I'm sticking to my original guess…"

"What would that be, father?" Haiku questioned, getting out of bed to join Madara next to the crib.

"They're going to be more like…" Madara looked as if it pained him to finish the sentence and yet he endured such a feat for his daughter. "…Itachi."

Haiku smiled, "That's not bad."

Madara frowned. 'Why might they be like Itachi of all people?'

"Just be happy they're not going to be like Muki. If so, they'd already be trying to learn how to speak and write that way they could make contracts." Haiku joked.

Madara cringed at the thought. 'One Muki was fine, but the world, hell and most likely heaven was only big enough for one. That Muki, the original Muki Sotaki, was his and his alone.'

Itachi stretched a little bit and carefully slid himself out of bed, careful not to get tangled up in the blankets, especially in front of Madara. "Speaking of which, where is she?"

Madara seemed to be suddenly on guard. He had been paranoid of her leaving again ever since she arrived and being a month away from giving birth hadn't been helping at all. He kissed both twins on the forehead, being careful that they didn't get ahold of his black locks as he did so.

"I'll be back later." With that, Madara was out the door and on the look out for Muki. Hopefully, she was where he left her, but just to be spiteful, she could always be in the kitchen instead of their room in order to make him panic.

Itachi sighed, happy that Madara finally left. There was something both Madara and Muki were keeping from them and as much as he wondered what it was, he'd rather not know and let life move on. He joined Haiku's side, next to the crib, smirking at how the twins were holding hands as if assuring the other that they were still there.

Itachi smirked, "They're going to be close." He then suddenly frowned when the realization hit him. "Madara's not getting them."

"Hn? What are you talking about?"

"They're not stealing, or giving for that matter, each other's eyes."

Haiku looked down at the now sleeping duo. "Itachi, it's not going to come to that." She gulped, once again letting the effects of parenthood catch up with her. "Itachi."

Itachi hugged his wife, reassuringly, "You're right. It's never going to come to that." Part of him only said that to try and stop his wife from worrying, but he hoped with all his heart that he was right. He wanted to insure that his family would be happy.

* * *

Itachi just put the twins back in the crib when _**he**_ came in. Itachi calmly turned to face the visitor only to face the wrath of the older Uchiha when his back slammed into a wall. He knew Madara would be back. It would have only been a matter of time.

Madara just had to pick the moment when Haiku had left the room to cook dinner.

Itachi looked down upon Madara, growing slightly annoyed at how the older man's hand was around his throat and his feet were no longer touching the ground. What bones would Madara break this time? Would Madara decide to beat him into a bloody pulp and leave his body for his wife to find, or would he finally be killed and tossed into a dark ditch?

Itachi suddenly remembered about the children. He had to be strong for them. Against Madara, things would be a bit more difficult… "Where's Muki now?" Itachi choked out.

"She left again."

Itachi forced a smirk. "And so you're going to take out your anger on me?"

The grip on his neck tightened painfully.

"WAAAAHHHH!" The twins cried in unison, as if planning their intervention from the beginning.

Itachi felt the grip suddenly loosen and his back slid across the wall, until his unsteady legs hit the floor and tried to regain balance.

Madara was looking in the direction of the crib with a mixture of love, confusion, and disappointment for having to let Itachi go. Yet at the same time, a feeling of admiration and pride radiated off the Uchiha Founder. Did the twins know what was going on before they spoke up?

* * *

"Mom, please come back to the base with us. We're at the mountain base again. Please, just come back and stay." Haiku leaned up against a white wall.

Muki picked up a rather large bundle, somewhat small compared to the size of the twins, but very big when considering that it came out of Muki. She handed the infant to Haiku who took it without a complaint.

"Having left for so long is already strenuous on Madara enough, but having my little brother away from him as well is going a bit far." Haiku looked down at the bundle who at the same time looked up at her. A chill ran down her spine. Her instincts told her to go to the nearest, highest cliff with the most sharp and hard rocks at the bottom just to drop the bundle over the ledge. It also told her to do all the things that she made sure that her own children wouldn't be harmed from. She had a feeling that it would be best if the infant in her arms didn't exist for some currently unknown reason.

"Madara Jr. likes you." Muki smiled.

Haiku gave her mother a worried look. "I think he's plotting my death."

"He's only three days old. He wouldn't do that to his dear, big sister."

Haiku thought to herself. If only Muki used sarcasm, then she'd agree, but seeing how incompetent her mother was with it, she doubted the day would ever come in which Muki would ever begin to understand it.

"I'll come back eventually, but I have lots of work to do first."

"And take care of a baby on your own as well?"

"Yes. How are the twins doing?"

"They're getting bigger." Haiku answered, knowing full well that her mother was sidetracking her. "I still wonder what their first words will be."

"Yours was 'Daddy.'"

Haiku smiled. "Are you sure you're not going to come back with me?"

"Yes. Itachi's watching the twins?"

"That's right. I have to go back soon."

"Say goodbye to Madara Jr. first."

Haiku held Madara Jr. in her arms before pressing her lips to his forehead. "Goodbye, Little Brother." She handed the bundle back to Muki. "Bye, Mother."

* * *

Time slowly and gradually advanced on, like the number of diaper changes increased over the days, weeks and eventually months as well. The twins, well known for liking to be together, would always yell and scream when separated or even when a parent who had been keeping an eye on them strayed a little too far away for their liking. This phase was said to be a time in the lives of the little ones that would pass soon enough.

It seemed to be only yesterday in the eyes of the Akatsuki that the two had learned how to say their first word. Granted, it was a word copied by their father who was explaining how it was that he ended up eating dangos with Kisame before arriving home from a mission. Haiku wasn't all that pleased since she knew what day they were to arrive and made a nice dinner that he was no longer hungry for. It wasn't his fault at all because it wasn't as if she notified him to come home hungry because she made a dinner to congratulate another long, but finally finished mission.

Amazingly enough, what drew the attention of the two Uchiha Ninja from their conversation was when Itach said his first word, "Dango." That was followed moments later by Chris's first word, "Please." Those two little words were accompanied by two sets of big, innocent eyes looking up at their parents.

A bit more confident in their abilities to speak, the two repeated their only word to make up the cute phrase, "Dango please!"

* * *

When the two began maneuvering on their own two feet, Muki, who happened to be spending some time at the base and allowing Madara Jr. to meet his father, decided to teach the twins a little trick. Of course, this was their very first skill. What did it happen to be? How to pick a lock. Being the children of the Prodigy of the Uchiha Clan, the two learned quickly, not as fast as their father, but they still learned how to use it effectively in the end. Unfortunately for their parents, this enabled to twins to be a bit more mischievous, especially as the two developed their leg muscles and balance…

* * *

Pein cleared his throat for the fifteenth time, trying to gain the attention of his organization. Maybe it had been a bad idea to hold the meeting outside. It had seemed like a good idea to begin with, after all, everyone would be departing on missions shortly afterwards. "I know it's hard to concentrate due to the numerous assigned missions, but bear with me." A deeper frown etched itself on his face.

A few snickers were heard in the crowd, however, there were a few, notably Hidan, who were turning red with embarrassment. There was no reason why S-Ranked Missing Nins would have a reason to be so in Pein's eyes. They were elite ninja, trained to kill and go through all sorts of potentially deadly missions.

"Pein-san."

Pein sighed, "What?" He met the blue eyes of Konan who seemed to be contemplating something.

"Look behind you."

It was then that the orange haired nin discovered the unrest among the Akatsuki. It was realistic, life-sized, colored for the most part and… and on the side of the mountain near the entrance to the base. He was completely lost for words, each and every one of him. How could he not have noticed it before the meeting had began?

"MY ASS ISN'T THAT BIG!" Hidan roared with a beat red face.

Yes, it was a full sized image of Hidan with his back to the audience, completely nude.

And it was on the mountain.

In color.

Two little pale skinned toddlers reached out to their newest masterpiece from the arms of their parents. The older spoke as clearly as his little voice could be. "Nuh uh. Iz right!"

The slightly younger one added sadly, "No chalk left."

That in itself solved the mystery as to why only a small section of Hidan's butt was colored in. They had run out of their favorite art supply that was always supplied to them via their grandparents. Who started the habit? Madara by wanting the children to try using something other than pens to scribble on the walls. This way, chalk would wash off much easier. It solved many problems, except the one that Uchiha usually have very sharp memories. Itach and Chris are no exceptions.

Kola looked at the drawing in wonder. "Zetsu-san! Why was Hidan naked around them?"

Hidan turned even redder. "I don't know how the fuck they got in! I swear to Jashin that door was locked!"

Various members muttered words here and there to each other. Kakuzu was one of many who laughed at Hidan's misfortune.

Pein regained the attention of the Akatsuki. "We all know what our missions are. Complete them and come back alive."

Just like that, the teams split off in their own directions. Few members remained, Haiku, now holding both twins was one of them. As much as it would be bad to leave the children alone with Madara and Muki, Sonya was busy and there would be no one else to watch over the little ones. She kissed each on the forehead before handing allowing them to stand on their own feet. Just as they were in their crib, the two held hands. They waved goodbye to their mother as she too left on a mission with Kola.

They watched as both parents left them alone with their grandparents. They could still see Itachi in the distance who stopped for a moment to look back at them before continuing on with Kisame. They looked up at the only ones left in the base, Madara, Muki and Madara Jr.

Muki held Madara Jr. close as she headed back into the base. Madara Jr. was just beginning to be able to crawl, but he wasn't quite old enough to walk as the twins could. Madara waited for the two, comforting them and saying that their parents would be back soon enough. Madara walked side by side with the children, making sure that he didn't go too fast for them.

Muki called back to them.

Madara had a sudden feel of dread creep down his spine. Muki was going to teach the grandchildren something new while Itachi and Haiku were gone. He had a feeling Muki was going to use him for an example for whatever it was that she had in plan. He secretly hoped it wasn't going to be anything too scarring for children at such a young age. He wouldn't have to wait long to find out.

* * *

**Author's Note: They sure do grow up fast if you don't watch them carefully. Even as toddlers, the twins are inseparable. Muki has taught them something that will enable them to get into a lot of trouble, but just how much will they do simply out of curiosity? After all, if the door is locked, it's just asking to be pick locked. Poor Hidan. First Hissy and now all of this. He sure doesn't get much of a break from the continuous torment.**


	12. The Late Wedding Gift

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…**

Haiku & Kola 3:

The Married Life Chapter 12: The Late Wedding Gift

* * *

Itachi sat down on a wooden porch, shielded from the roof as large raindrops fell in the peaceful area. A hot cup of tea, barely drunk from was set down besides the nin as he watched the rain on its course.

A second, even taller shinobi shut the door behind him as he joined the first, careful to not hit the cup as he found a dry spot to sit near Itachi.

"Do you think it's time?"

There was a pause as the first quickly and carefully went over the details in his head, that way he didn't end up accidentally lying to his partner.

The first averted his eyes from the rain to meet the eyes of his partner, carefully examining his movements.

With a steady voice, Kisame answered, "It's as ready as it'll ever be."

There was a long pause. Itachi in that time resumed his previous actions of watching nature on its course and occasionally taking a sip out of his cooling, green tea. "Thank you, Kisame."

"We're partners. Let me know if I can help you and your family." Kisame gave a big toothy grin.

"The children are cute, but scheming little toddlers." Itachi finally admitted.

"Enjoy those young years now before they become teens. I've seen some really rotten brats before. Don't let yours become the same."

"Only time will tell." Itachi reactivated his sharingan, looking deep into the forest as a cloaked figure attempted to find a dry spot to stay until the rain stopped. Itachi sighed; glad the figure didn't even look in their direction.

* * *

"When we get back, I'm gonna eat a giant bag of marshmallows and play Fuzzy Bunny all night long with Zetsu-san! And then we're going to make the baby!" Kola hopped on one foot three times before switching feet and doing the same on that foot, paying no attention to mud puddles.

"Kola, sometimes, don't you think you should give Zetsu a break?" Haiku took a step away from Kola to avoid getting splashed once again before taking a step closer to her.

"A break from what?" Kola twirled her plant umbrella as the rain continued to fall.

Haiku switched her umbrella to the other hand. "Sex."

"What? Why?"

"He seems to be getting tired from you constantly demanding children."

"How would you know, munch much?"

"Just the other day he fell face first into his breakfast. Why would that be?"

"He didn't get enough sleep?"

"And why didn't he get enough sleep?"

"I woke him up to look at the little bug crawling around on the floor and then the walls! It was a talented buggy. It even went on the ceiling!"

Haiku sighed. "If you want we can stay the night at a hotel and head off once the rain stops."

"Really!"

"Yes. After all, it was decided we'd travel on foot all the way to our mission and all the way back."

"You looked so happy to get out of the base when we left!"

"I feel a bit worried about the children. This is the first time in a while that I've left them."

Kola scrunched her face. "Why do you get children?"

Haiku ignored the dirty look she was getting from her sister. "Things happen. You'll have children of your own one day. Just don't kill Zetsu in the process."

"But he's immortal!"

"That doesn't mean you should kill him from exhaustion anyway."

Kola pouted. "He won't die from it."

Haiku and Kola walked into the town to look for somewhere to stay for the night.

* * *

Itach and Chris held hands as they walked beside Madara in the cool halls. Muki was a bit up ahead, holding the sleeping Madara Jr. Muki had insisted that they improve the twins leg muscles and the only way they could do that was by walking more. If the children didn't learn to walk without the extra balance from holding each other's hand, then they are plain and simply incompetent like their grandfather.

Madara watched his wife walk ahead of him, growing tired of not being able to walk beside her.

Muki suddenly declared, "I'm taking Madara Jr. with me to the bedroom. Madara, keep walking with them."

Madara watched her with his crimson eyes as she entered their bedroom without him. He looked down upon the children of both his daughter and his son-in-law or as Muki put it, his son. He stretched and then started walking again, making sure his strides were short and slow for the little ones.

After a little while more of walking, Madara no longer heard the small footsteps accompanying his own. He looked back to see the twins standing there for just the briefest of moments before in a moment of either defiance or simply protest going further, the two simultaneously sat down.

Madara took a few of his normal strides back to the two, planning on standing the two back up again.

Two big, round, black sets of eyes looked up at him, both pale faces looked up into his stern one. To add to the pleading looks, small lips quivered the slightest and their eyes seemed as if they were about to tear up.

Madara's heart clenched painfully. How could he deny his grandchildren of whom he loved dearly? Kneeling down in front of them, he picked up the set and carefully stood back up. He turned back to the direction they had been going on and continued on his way with the twins curled up in his arms, gently grabbing onto his long, black bangs.

"Please." Chris spoke up after a while being carried around.

"Dango." Itach suggested.

Madara chuckled, "So that's how you tell your parents you're hungry." He headed off in the direction of the kitchen.

Madara hunched over, his hair filled with baby food, "Your mother wasn't this difficult to feed when she was your age." He propped head up with a food-covered hand.

The twins giggled as if he said one of the most hilarious things in the world. It made Madara wonder if it was because of his appearance or how he said it that made the two laugh.

Growing hungry as well, Madara got up, washed his hands off, completely ignoring his hair because after all, it would take some time to get it truly clean again after what had happened. He shuffled over to the stove with a pot full of rice and water and began to cook it.

"Grandpa, grandpa!" The children chimed, hopping up and down in their baby seats.

Madara looked back at the two. Seeing that they didn't try to say anything else or have any other actions, he brought his attention back to his food. Turning the stove off, he scooped the contents into a rather large bowl and went back to his seat to eat. He was fully aware that the children were watching his every movement.

Madara took a big bite from his rice.

"Please?"

Madara looked back at the two who had barely even eaten their own food and what hadn't been eaten ended up on Madara in some way, shape or form. He gave them a questioning look. Now what did they want?

"Please?" The two opened up their mouths wide, revealing small teeth coming in.

Madara reached for the very small remainder of baby food.

"No!" The two began to wail.

Setting the jar down, he reached back to his own food.

Itach and Chris stopped and stared intently at his rice.

Understanding what it was that they wanted, he tried giving the two a little bit of rice each. The response was immediate. Not only was the rice gone, but also on the faces of his grandchildren were large grins.

Looking at them in disbelief, he tried giving them more. Madara smirked as they ate the rice. "So you two don't like baby food."

Getting up, the tall ninja pulled out some fruit and poured himself a tall glass of chocolate milk. After all, Muki wouldn't be after his chocolate milk if she wasn't accompanying him. Sure that was mainly when she was the type of behaviour of being in a period, but still, a man had to be careful to make sure his chocolate milk didn't get into the wrong hands. Kola, of course, was always a prime example of the wrong hands.

Sitting back down, he made the mistake of looking into the faces of his grandchildren. They looked at the small grains of rice that remained and back to his new food and drink with the slightest of hints of mischievousness.

"Please?" Chris whined.

"No." Madara bit shamelessly into the fruit.

"Dango!" Itach glared up at Madara.

"No." Madara ordered. "You had rice."

Chris joined her brother in glaring down the older man.

Madara picked up his glass, chugging the contents down before the protesting toddlers. The two may have gotten a large sum of his rice, but they weren't getting any of his new food.

…And that was how it was going to be.

Or at least that was what Madara thought. Until the twins somehow decided that they were going to ignore his entire existence, even when he tried offering them a small piece of chocolate that he smuggled out of Kola's stash.

No, it wasn't good enough for them.

He ended up convincing them to forgive him once he split the entire chunk of chocolate into two pieces, one for each twin.

There was no saving that chocolate. Apparently, the twins had a sweet tooth, just like their father.

* * *

After cleaning up, Madara put both twins down and informed them they were all going to be walking to his and Muki's room. All had gone very well, but he knew something was up when the twins started walking a little bit faster than him. They got ahead just the slightest bit and directly in front of him, so he had to slow down to avoid stepping on the toddlers.

That seemed like a mistake.

Why?

They latched onto his legs and found that it was easy to just sit on his foot and not let go. It beat walking, especially when they had been walking all day long.

"Get off. You have your own legs, use them."

The twins looked up at him with round, dark eyes.

"Now." Madara demanded.

Both shook their heads.

Madara bend over, pried Itach off, setting him to the side, he worked on getting Chris off, only for Itach to take the opportunity to latch back on.

Madara frowned. This process had continued a few times before he finally gave up and decided that the best idea was to simply continue walking as if they weren't there. After all, they were young, tired, happy, and were his _grandchildren_.

He had the right to spoil them and let them get away with things that Haiku and Itachi might not let them do, right?

* * *

The young woman with the dark blue cloak entered her home. Or at least what she usually referred to as her home. It was actually a large library with white marble and big windows. It took some time to clean, but once it was spotless, it had a habit of staying that way for some time.

She entered a small backroom, her study that had a small bed pushed up to one wall, and pulled out a blank book she had off of a pile of other, also blank books that she had made herself. She pulled out two candles, which she lit on either side of her desk, with the book in the center. Performing complicated hand signs, she brought two fingers to her lips wiping them across and brought her thumb in, as if pulling something off. Opening up the book with one hand, she quickly wiped her other hand on the blank page, performing a few more hand signs and then blew out both candles, one after another. She closed the book before turning on the light and taking light steps to her desk. With a brush, she painted on the name of the person she had recently kissed before running off and opened the book, examining its contents.

With a smile on her face, she entered the main part of the library, placing the now full book on a shelf with the rest of the autobiographies she had worked on. She gazed around the library; admiring her life's work before heading back into the room she had been prior to get some sleep.

* * *

Haiku hadn't been home with the children for long before Itachi showed back up. Kola was making faces at the twins, trying to get them to laugh from across the room, looking innocent every time an adult looked in her direction.

"Haiku, come with me." Itachi stated, turning around to head back from where he had recently arrived.

Haiku quickly got up, making sure Madara was still keeping an eye on the twins that way Kola didn't run off with them again before catching up with her husband.

The two didn't talk much on their trip, but once they reached their destination, Haiku looked around the area with curiosity. "So… What are we doing here?"

Itachi continued to stare at the house in the middle of the bamboo forest. "Kisame and I built it." With a smirk, he looked over at his wife. "This is my late wedding gift to you."

Haiku's jaw dropped, "A house?"

"I highly doubt the Akatsuki would want numerous children running around the base, especially once they become teenagers. It's taken a while, but now we have a home of our own."

"What do you mean 'numerous children?'" Haiku looked suspiciously at her husband.

"We have two now, but Muki wants more grandchildren. Even if we only have one more, we need a place to live and raise our family. We can't live at the various Akatsuki Bases for the rest of our lives. We're immortal after all."

Haiku smiled. "Thanks, Itachi. Are you going to show me around?"

Itachi nodded once before heading towards the front door.

* * *

She watched her visitor with a curious expression. Not very many knew of her library yet, only the nearby, small town. The woman before her was… interesting to say the least. Short with curly black hair. She was beginning to think that the woman before her was getting annoyed at her being so much taller.

"My name's Muki."

"Oh… uh… Nice to meet you. I'm Tenami."

"I've heard of your work and I can help you with it."

"How is that?"

"I know you use some type of jutsu to gather the life history of those you press your lips to that you can then put in books. A way of writing autobiographies for them."

"That's correct, but it's a type of magic similar to jutsu, not actual jutsu. Few can actually use it."

"You're very interested in history."

"Of course."

"I'd like to make an alliance with you."

"What kind of alliance?"

"I'll help you get ahold of different people and you can help me out if I ever need the help. It's nothing life endangering. In fact, I don't even know what I'd ask of you, but I know your talents will one day be of use for me."

"I'm not a missionary."

"But you can gather information about the lives of others and preserve their knowledge, even past their deaths. I'm just as curious as you are."

"So you just want to learn about others?"

"And preserve history." Muki smiled.

"Alright."

"I'll bring them to you if you really want. I have some contacts who are well over a hundred years old and still perfectly healthy. I have a way for you to be able to get access to those they knew as well."

"I'll join your alliance then."

Muki smiled, thinking of how Madara could be of use to her yet again. Tenami would be a very interesting alliance to have.

* * *

Naruto sat with his sisters and Iruka, getting ready to start yet another Ramen eating competition with her. Iruka was paying this time around. Right as he was about ready to take his first mouthful, Kakashi entered the restaurant, taking a seat next to Iruka and ordering a bowl for himself.

* * *

Sonya lounged on the couch of her glass house, stretching out before hauling herself to her feet as she heard footsteps heading into the living room. Looking around, she quickly spotted Deidara who made himself comfortable on the couch she had just abandoned.

Sonya glanced out of the windows before deciding to turn on her stereo and get something to eat. It was getting close to lunchtime anyway.

* * *

Itach and Chris walked around their new home, exploring their surroundings as their parents put away food that had been recently brought to the house. Holding hands, the two dutifully explored each and every room, covering every inch of the place and planning out where the best spots where located in order to hide the candy Grandpa brought them.

* * *

Kola stood at the highest part of the entire Terra Clan Land, holding an end of a large, dark green leaf in each hand, getting ready to jump. She rocked on her heels, waiting for that strong breeze that showed up every few minutes.

"**What are you doing?**" Zetsu questioned, unmerging from the tree to stand near her.

"I'm gonna jump."

"Don't do that."

"But I always jump at this time of the year!" Kola protested.

"**What about the baby? You don't want to hurt it.**"

"What baby?"

Zetsu gave her a long look. With a sigh, he responded. "The one you've wanted for your entire life."

"But I don't have a baby."

"**You've forgotten already? The doctor said you were three months pregnant.**"

"What's that mean again?"

"Contrary to your theory, you're not getting fat. There's a baby growing inside of you."

Just then, a strong breeze came through, pulling the leaf with it as she and the leaf drifted in the sky, gradually heading towards the fields in which she used to play tag with the other children when she was younger. "I'm gonna be a momma?" Kola yelled after Zetsu who still stood at the top of the tree with a concerned look on his face.

The end.

* * *

**Author's Note: Well… It's been quite some time since I've last worked on the story and so I decided that it might be best to just finish everything up instead of making everyone wait in suspense over what might be happening next. I did my best to tie up the loose ends, but unfortunately, I had to give up my random plans for the future of the story, such as the children in general growing up. I gotta say though, even though I don't like looking back on the original Haiku & Kola story, I've definitely improved.**

**I'm still trying to decide whether or not I should post another story that I had been working on at the same time as this one or not. It involves Haiku & Kola, but in an alternate universe. The writing in it is alright, but it's a bit more serious than the other Haiku & Kola stories. Kola, of course is in it, so it still has it's humorous side to it, but I'm just not sure if I should put what I have up, seeing how I haven't worked on that one in some time either. Sorry I haven't responded to any of the reviews lately and thank you for all of the support I've gotten from all of you.**

**I might as well admit it right now, but a close friend of mine got me interested in a new fandom a few months ago. One of the reasons why I wanted to close up Haiku & Kola 3 was because of not only have I been busy with schoolwork, but in my free time, I've been doing all sorts of various things and writing oneshots was something that I learned how to do. I would have never thought that I was capable of doing that seeing how long the previous stories I've written have become. I think my writing style has changed a bit, probably because of reading Russian Classics. They have a bit of an interesting way of writing… Anyway… Please don't be too terribly angry with me for writing oneshots.**


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